I need a wedding

I  think it’s high time I got a wedding for a few reasons;
It’s the only occasion my annoying cousins will let me get away with wearing heels. My cousins are annoying and trust me if they visited you, you would return them to sender immediately. They take advantage of my good nature to make fun of my height, my weight and my appetite even though my appetite also amazes me, but that doesn’t mean they should keep talking about it.

It’s the only occasion that I can dance. Let’s just say I have two left feet. But in a wedding am surely gonna dance and have fun. Most likely there will be many of my kind.

It’s only here that I will most likely eat and not do dishes.. I love weddings for this one. Otherwise almost for every meal I take unless I am in hotel, I most likely will have to do dishes.

It’s the only occasion which I will meet the relatives I know and have them introduce themselves again.. it makes me feel like I am getting back to them for remembering them  when they don’t.

I will also enjoy seeing my parents having to talk to so many people. They can’t take it anymore but they still have to keep doing it.

Wait, did I mention I need this wedding soon?? Very soon.

So long as you don’t expect that it’s mine..

So if you have a wedding coming up, please please invite me.

always winnie

He bores you and bam!!

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That is when some guy you were into gives attention to everything and everyone when you want it. Then he notices you are drifting after waiting on him. He diverts his attention to you. You are too lazy to text or call him so you take a screenshot, don’t edit it, and send it to him on whats app.
Dope!!!

always winnie

Lust for love

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He holds her against him.. and she clings on him. His scent.. her perfume mingle. None of them wants to let go.
It’s his house. Spacious and manly. Simple. They split apart and sit across each other. He offers her a drink which she politely declines.
Silence engulfs them. He stares at her.. she shyly looks at him. He gaps the distance and pulls him against her. He holds her against him as if expecting her to resist. She doesn’t. He raises her head and kisses her. It felt wonderful.
He does love this girl.

His hand sneaks under her chiffon top and he feels her soft skin. He gently caresses her.. He takes the first step and removes his shirt.

She a look at his muscles and runs her hand over his chest as if testing deep waters. And  he can’t stand the distance any longer. Neither can she.

Morning creeps in. He turns and finds her next to him. He doesn’t know what to say. He just wants to get to work. It’s her fault that he is almost late. He hopes he hasn’t contracted any infection from her.
He takes a shower and wakes her up. He drops her off and she goes home.

He doesn’t call or ask her how she was feeling. She doesn’t call or ask him how him how he was feeling. Her fears exceeded his with one;no pregnancy. Taking a shower and headed off for her duties. They were in love with each other.

A friend talks to her and asked what the guy she was seeing does or what his second name was or where he was from. She had no idea. And on his side, he had no idea and neither did he have a friend to bother him.

They meet in the evening. Both of them are quiet. None of them knows what to say to the other. None of them is worried about the other. What they both feel is that burning feeling of wanting to bridge the distance. And they both let out a sigh, thinking they are in love with each other. And he  crosses the gap and takes her into his arms

Love is kind, love is patient, love doesn’t boast, it’s not jelous, not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, hopes and always perseveres.

All they have is lust confused for love.

always winnie

Online love

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One of my friends got me laughing today. He wasn’t with me but he just happened to tweet something really funny in response to the post I made yesterday and it felt good. Checking up my twitter handle first thing in the morning and I kept grinning. It took me back to a few years ago when I fell in love.

( first digest that)

Yes, I was in love. Just that I was in love with how the guy I used to chat with used to chat. I was fresh from high school. And I had all the ideas of romantic relationships in my mind and I hoped that one day a guy would sweep me off my feet and marry me. Then we would adopt two kids and I would give birth to two of my own.. ( I know.. I know.. I was simply disillusioned. Though I think my weight has played a role in the sweeping off part)

My guy had an ideal name and I think it was something to do with Sidney. How we started chatting..ย  he inboxed me and I mistook him for a girl Sydney. Then we argued on the name, then we picked up the British titles of my lady and he was my lord.. (admit it, that’s romantic..:-) )

It went on and we even imagined ourselves married. By the way we hadn’t met. And it kept going on until some other guy started making me really mad still on facebook. I found myself another husband. This one was acquired through the movies theory of falling in love with someone who got to your nerves. Damn!! Didn’t he make me mad.

My first love though faded and the guy started falling asleep before saying goodnight andย  the other guy started to sound funny rather than maddening.ย  I never met my first love because we fought over I can’t remember what but I am trying to find him. ๐Ÿ˜€

I however don’t know what to say to him because campus took away my innocence and took me to all the places he wanted me to see ( darn you campus!! Darn you!!)
Online love is amazing because you can actually type that you are crying have the poker face. You can just say whatever crosses your mind. You can be mad at the guy and still be laughing your ass off with your friend.. and finally it’s the only place that you wake up to weird texts like

Hey hun

Hey babe

Are you okay?

Did you fall asleep?

And for me it was

Good evening my lady

Are you okay?

My lady, did you fall asleep?

Goodnight my lady
Kisses.

They should introduce online love though..

always winnie

The Nairobi conman

Disclaimer _ the fact that you ain’t in kenya doesn’t give you a right to say you won’t visit Nairobi based on this post

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Nairobi people are amazing. Their worst fear is the rains. I generally think rains make Nairobians more stupid such that as soon as it starts raining, everybody breaks all the traffic rules in a hurry to get home and they all end up in a mad traffic jam and get stuck for five hours. Well, that isn’t the only reason; make up can’t stand rains, neither can fake hair. The rains start, and an economic boom for the umbrella vendors in the streets. Fair goes up by fifty percent? What the heck?? These are real rains not the cash on I will make it rain!!

Now, you only know that you have been initiated into the ways of the city only when you get conned. Damn!! Nairobi conmen are smooth. They pause as pastors, helpless people who need help and the best one is when they show you a real great phone which is operating then they somehow manage to swap it and give you a case stacked with mud.. oh the feeling you get when you get home..

I always laughed at people who got conned until it was my day to get initiated. End semester, packed up bags and my cousin drove away leaving me with his mum’s gym bag which she loved. I packed my best track suit, a few tops, a new tin of shuttles, a novel by Val McDermid and some sandals. I wanted to take a bus with my friend. She however had a heavy bag and she decided to pay someone to carry it and just for the fun of it, I placed the gym bag on top of my friend’s full suitcase. I even dropped my wallet in it. ( speak of laziness)

We walked behind the guy and he happened to cross the road before us and then the traffic lights went red on us. Well, our guy vanished into thin air. I almost went crazy. My darn wallet was in my AUNTIE’S gym bag. I was soo gonna get killed. We decided to just sleep in campus and see if we could find our guy. We asked around and we were directed to where he did his job. After two hours of combing the city, we found him.

What the heck is wrong with you ladies?? You make me carry your bags then don’t follow me?? I had to pay someone to keep them.

We looked for you. We didn’t find you.

Imagine I even went back to campus and left the guard on duty with my number. I described the two of you.

Fine, where are the bags??

I turn to my friend and tell her I don’t believe the guy so before he tells us where the bags are, I would have to call my cousin and tell her where I was and with what kind of a guy. Which I did.
He points at a store and I think my friend Rooney works at around the same place and so we are safe.
Our guy is smooth. So smooth that I can’t believe I doubted him. We get to the store and he starts talking to the owner. We smile. At least am not gonna die young.

Something diverted our attention, I think a sports car or a motorcycle.. and by the time we are turning our heads, our guy is gone and the store guy is giving us a sheepish grin

What?

‘ nyinyi wasichana wa siku hizi shida yenu ni nini? Huyo jamaa ananidai punch nichukue mmoja wenu. Si mtafute kazi angalau ya kufua?? ‘

What the hell!!!
( translated that means, you girls of today, what’s wrong with you? That guy asks for five hundred then I can have one of you. Can’t you find yourselves a job even if it’s doing people’s laundry at a fee?? ‘)

I was totally initiated.

Just one case.
Nairobi people say everything fake is Chinese but the fake jobs here!! Darn it. It became a reality when my friends decided to look for a part time job. Then this author came up with a promotional job for his book HARD TACKLE that is about the current president. For one to qualify, one had to buy a book and familiarize themselves with it. Copies flew out of shelves and then the guy went mia..

In one of the most advertised job site in Kenya, one has an option of posting their ad. So yesterday I was idle and decided to place one and see what would happen. Guess what? I have been entertained by three fraudsters the whole day via texts. One PETER MUTUA even called me and I enjoyed using his airtime as he tried to convince me to pay  a fee of one thousand in order to get a work permit. If only he knew that my cousin was laughing hard as I asked questions as to why I needed a work permit from UNHCR while I was Kenyan. I even expained that both my parents are kenyans and so are my grandparents.

Speaking of pausing as helpless, there is this guy who got helped by my aunt because he had this touching story of his mother being in hospital, and he had to drop out of school and support his younger siblings. He even shed a tear. Then he visited the next time and it was my cousin who was home. Then he got offered foodstuffs. Luckily for him, the third he visited yesterday, it was me who was home. What he didn’t know was that I knew his story and that after all that, he went to the market, sold the food and bought booze for himself. I shut the door on his face. He insulted me and I smiled.

He reminds me of his evil counterpart who waits for peope who are walking from church. He says he wants to get born again. You pray for him then he tells you he would want to go back to his home area and he would appreciate some fare because he is tired of the ways of the city. Being a Christian, one gives wholeheartedly thanking the Father that one of the lost has been found. My aunt prayed and offered fare. So did my uncle. Then it was discussed. When we met, I was glad to tell him to just walk home.

Nairobi conmen, you initiated me once into the ways of the city and you will not initiate me again. I pray that I may be forgiven for the genuine ones that I will judge, but I won’t trust any of you.

always winnie

when my crush said hi

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Playing tennis started off as something I did to annoy my coach in high school because according to him one can’t have a perfect tennis swing and a flexible badminton wrist at the same time. One had to go with time..

Come campus though, tennis playing was fun because I broke all rules since I wasn’t in the team until I had my eye on this guy. Then,ย  bam!! I got the right shoes, the right outfit and I recall the guy who was after me saying that I had finally gotten some sports spirit finally.. if only he knew..

This tennis guy was something I must say. He just used to pass by my friends and I, just smile as if he knew it was his looks we were drooling at. I started hurrying out of class and my friends started making fun of me and how I would end up getting lost since nobody knew a thing bout the guy ( talk of paranoid)..

I was hooked though. I trained tennis and the coach thought I was good. He even tried to get me to join the team. In my mind I looked forward to the day this guy would say hi but they surely know how to take their time.ย 
At the verge of giving up, I decided to just go sit in the field and watch the other players play.
That day my crush came to the field late and guess who said hi!!!

‘Hi’
Poa’ย  [the slang way of fine]

Wait, did I just say poa?? What the heck is wrong with me?? Where did the English go??

Why am I blushing?? Oh hell no.. not this reaction.. no, No, nooo!!

The guy stood there giving me this creepy look and I looked away. Then he smiles ( does he really have to smile?? Darn it) and says

Hey. Are you ignoring me??

I said am fine ( why am I snapping at him??)
I am Silas. I don’t know a word in Swahili.

Oh.. kwani umetoka wapi?? Oh, sorry, where are you from??

I just wish I had decided to sit earlier and watch people play rather than working my ass of perfecting tennis only to get the attention when I was just sitting.

When your crush says hi, what happens?? ( sorry to those who thought we are developing a love story).ย  You can’t make one sentence without embarrassing yourself but, yeah, it’s totally worth it.. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

always winnie

Did you say relationship??

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I have finally conceded and half heartedly acknowledged that my shrink friend Leila is right in that relationships aren’t for me. (Pray with me she doesn’t read this because I will never hear the end of it).
She might however be wrong partially because I have maintained a romantic relationship with my bed and my food. I love my bed. My food is sacred to me. I can’t cheat on food and sleep.. I have tried dieting but please, it didn’t even last past breakfast. I dieted from morning to late morning and I felt super thin and thought I was going to pass out.

Any other type of relationship apart from one with my crazy family and a few friends isn’t working. :(.ย 
Okay, enough beating around the bush, I am talking of the romantic ones… whoa!!! Those ones hate me.. wait, detest or wait… abhor me (note my Kenyan accent) The male species is becoming a mystery for me and am thinking of embarking on a few years research to understand this species. It’s like trying to tackle calculus 3 for me.. I always got a D and my relationship pattern is taking the same trend with my calculus and linear algebra.

It’s even more complicated than vector and vector spaces which by the way I most likely scored two out of thirty in the CAT.
I will just rant on my blog because I don’t have anybody to listen to me and my friends all have listening disorders. They don’t listen at all. My family?? No way.
Guys, if any of you is reading this, I need you to clarify something. When you say you want a real woman, what do you mean? Because I thought I was super real when I said what was on my mind, what I liked and what I didn’t like when I didn’t like it. Isn’t that real?? Don’t even go to looks. I am super real. Nobody in my family fakes looks ( note the proud tone in that statement).
Well, when I want attention, I want all of it, not semi not almost all of it. I mean all of it. If I am not getting all, please go away until you can afford ALL!!
I have something that makes me hate the world. Why is everybody lying and saying that they are just being nice?? Like when somebody does their hair and it all looks wrong and you shamelessly tell them they look great because they spent six hours in a salon??
I don’t get it. Back to my relationship ranting, when you do or say something wrong to me, like it or not it will be stated clearly that I don’t like that. Why the heck should I pretend otherwise??
Strange world.. people are avoiding the truth especially the guys.. or is it me who is picking the wrong ones??
Well, I would love to keep ranting but my friend Debbz ( who I think has mental issues by the way) has suggested we pray and fast for me to find the guy who can handle being told upfront that talking rude to a woman, ignoring her calls and trying to share his attention between her and his car isn’t what I expect, so I will start saying a prayer tonight so that I can be able to keep off food maybe breakfast time.. But as I have said earlier in my other posts, my brother Sam who is uglier than our puppy Tatty is in constant prayer that I find a husband because according to him I am ugly and a bit more strong willed than men around but who would take him seriously anyway? He is just that ugly sibling who tries to get at the good-looking humble one.. ๐Ÿ˜€

For now relationship is just another word for me. I am off now to my love, my bed. Goodnight to those in my time zone and to those who are starting off their day, have a great one and may women discover how men are wired. Cheers.

always winnie

Good reads ;The Soul healer

I am sitting watching one of those West Africans movie. It’s sunday night and I have nothing to smile about because it has been a normal day. To church then back home.

This movie is a quite dramatic and it reminds me of my primary school days when I used to hide novels under my desk in order to avoid being caught and then pretending to do math every time a teacher appeared. I had a few of the Sweet Valley High books, some of the books written by Kenyans and those by the west Africans known as Pace setters.

There is one particular book that this movie reminds me of ; the soul healer. This was a good read for me at the age I read it at. It was about a handsome prince and his friend Densu who was a very good archer. Now, the prince had an evil aunt and uncle who wanted their son : the prince’s cousin to inherit the kingdom once the king died. The queen was a very good woman who wanted good for all.

The uncle ( whose name I forgot) plotted for the death of the prince and his mother and also beats up Densu so that when a case is brought up, he can be the first suspect. Well, it all goes well except that the queen doesn’t die and she is rescued when in a coma by a hunter who likes Densu and stays in the forest. He nurses her and she gets better with time.
In the village though, the prince is buried and Densu is trying to explain that he didn’t kill anyone. However, the case isn’t going so well since the arrow that killed the prince was arched from a distance that only Densu could arch from and hit the mark.

Densu is sentenced to death by hanging and on the final day when he is granted to prove innocent, the judge is described as an old man who is totally bored and can’t wait to get the case off his hands until when the queen appears with a slight limp.. the judge goes like ‘ this is the first time I have seen the dead walk. Let the dead speak for themselves.

Well, I have no idea why the author gave it that title but trust me when you are low, it’s a good read and when you accidentally stumble on an African movie, it’s the first book that does crosses your mind.

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The fun of taking a bus

I am on my way home from the town and am starving. I am taking a bus and as usual I am in a star bus. This is a name to a fleet of one of the most notorious buses that break all the traffic rules and know all shortcuts in the city so when you take one, if you don’t end up in central police, you get home really fast.

I am just sitting checking out what new places they have in town and my seatmate is a woman with a cute young girl. I have to move a bit so that the two seater can accommodate even the little girl. I am still looking out and as we get past Hilton Hotel and get to Kenyatta avenue, the bus picks a guy who has clutches and he sits adjacent to my seatmate. We are now outside tuskys supermarket and am looking out at the freshly baked bread and I remember how hungry I am. My hunger thoughts are cut short by the guy in clutches trying to hit on on the woman with a little girl.

Soon as he opens his mouth, it’s apparent he is so drunk. His breath stinks of cheap liquor. He says he is husband to the woman and then this woman is going all I think religious ( if there is something like that) on him and she won’t stop. Am actually typing as I listen to her only that am translating some bits from Swahili to English

‘ I rebuke you devil in the name of Jesus christ son of God. I consume you with the fire of the holy Spirit. I cover everyone with the blood of Jesus. I cover my family, I cover myself. I crush you devil under my feet. In the mighty name of Jesus …… ‘  she is still going on and now the drunk man has started claiming that he is God..
He is incoherent though and I think the stench is going to ruin my appetite. My hunger is gone
He is talking of his family now and he is no longer God. He is claiming he has a God now. And a wife and a kid who is in the university..

Am looking at the two of them and wondering, who is more drunk now???

He is still insisting on taking her out and she is still asking for fire to consume him.. I hope I don’t get a headache before I get home but it’s definite my appetite will be long gone and my stomach will be complaining for being fed with liquor stench.

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Dear diary 4

Hey dear diary. It has been sometime, right?
Today I wanted to blog but I couldn’t. I don’t want to. All I wanted is to sit and offload what I feel on you because you ain’t gonna tell.. right? And after this I will keep you safe.

It’s quarter to ten and I am in bed. I am listening to the song ‘ when I see you again ‘ by Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth. This song gets me dear diary especially today when I have an emotional breakdown. I wish I could paint what I feel.
It has been a long day. A really long day.

Moving around feeling like a lost soul. Dull pain on my head and the itchy feeling in my chest. The dry cough that has me out of breath. I think am not well. The dizziness that sweeps me off for a moment and for a few seconds I think I will fall off but then I don’t.

Taking a little rest from the days activities then leaving the house to the market and being rained on. I really hate the rains. Shivering from the cold and just getting into the shower for around twenty minutes. Getting off and thinking I would love a long phone call from someone who makes me smile then waking up to the reality of none is coming. You remember what happened to the guy I liked, right diary?? Men can be such morons.
That upsets me a bit more. Just a bit..
Dear diary, when did I start getting upset? I chose my path, right?? I know am paying for it. I am trying to reconcile with the love of my life apart from you that is. I even wrote her a letter. I apologized for taking Saturdays to go out and Sundays rather than training hard. I feel like a cheat. A liar caught. Now I don’t even know if she (badminton) will take me back. I have gained a little weight and my footwork is kind of lost.. what will I do dear diary?? And all this happened when I started hanging out with human beings rather than racquets and shuttles.
I think I will just have to borrow a few lyrics from Khalifa and tell badminton what a long day it has been without her. But this time, I am telling her about it.
Please hope she takes me back.. please
Goodnight dear.

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