Emotions

My head hurts like crazy.. It is like am dragging my feet to get me home.. I don’t remember if I took lunch…
I groan inwardly as I approach home. I just want to keep walking. To get lost amongst people and semi dark earthen roads. Nobody could know who I am. I could get away.. I could just disappear… but who am I kidding? I don’t even know why that happens..
Well, it has been an okay day. As I watched one older guy sign my data sheet today and smile warmly at me, I suddenly missed having a father. Like a physical one..
I can’t help feel guilty at the thought of how good God has been to me..   a father.. I remind myself  of those with nobody…
But today I can’t fight that feeling.. I wish he was there to watch me grow.. shout at me, see me off to school.. I still feel that gnawing want.. being held by a father when crossing roads..
What came over me?

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.. I am almost home and the song Good father by Chris Tomlin is playing..
Still… it’s just not working today.. 😦

Nightmares

The rain is hard on the roof.. nothing soothing.
I uncover my head and I can feel the cold air hurt my nostrils down to the throat..  I have to cover myself up.
I pull the sheets and cover myself up.. No air.. I can’t breath..
I stretch my hand under my pillow and pull out my earphones..
The song by Jeremy Camp is the first on my playlist and I can feel myself drift.. the lyrics aren’t as clear..
‘I can feel waters raging at my feet… I can see’..
I drift away.. I am semi awake. Uncomfortable.. I toss.. I turn..
Finally I fall into disturbed sleep.

Breeze.. my nostrils hurt..
The storms are hard. I am trying to cross over the waters but I can’t. Everyone else is on the other side.. nobody is looking back for me. The waters are like mocking me. Flowing fast that I can’t dare take a step forward.
I am helpless… I know I can swim a bit. But the currents scare me..
I will have to stay here. I am cold.. so cold..
My feet feel numb. My hands are white and my face is freezing..
I take in a deep breath.. My nostrils.. damn.. they hurt like crazy.

I am helpless and I can feel tears threatening..
Then some distant music..
‘Jesus friend of sinners’ by Casting Crowns..
The lyrics ‘ we never know what we are up against when we judge the wounded… ‘
It stirs me awake.. it’s a relief that am in bed.
My throat hurts.. my head is heavy and my nostrils are blocked..
I think am going down with tonsillitis. 😦

For your birthday week!

What’s up!!
(Let me hope you never read this)

Dear Sam
A week like this, ( is it 70 years ago or 80?) your mum anticipated for her bundle of joy.. she walked.. hoped.. prayed and prepared and maybe shopped for a few baby clothes (hopefully not a girl’s).
And you couldn’t let her rest..
When you finally came, she was awed.. (but I think you were a bit ugly.. nothing personal here).
You were just whatever she had asked God for.
You did grow fast I must say and when we got to earth like 50 years later, you were and still is an amazing guy.. (am just being nice here)
your birthday week, I wish you total happiness and for your birthday, joy.
May the Lord delight in you and bless you immensely.
May this week be full of happiness and blessings. Find favor in the eyes of God and consequently eyes of men.

Dear God

In our weakness, you are glorified. In our pain we learn to seek you.
Your sovereignty is beyond human understanding.
When we think you are farthest, that’s when you are closet.
Help us oh Lord
Lest
our pain be too much and we don’t see you
Our worries be too much that we  doubt
Our weakness may kill us.

Remind us with a gentle whisper that you are right there and you are watching out for us.
In losing ourselves, may we find you always
Do not let us sink.

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Bible thoughts

So recently I have been learning to read my Bible daily..
The book of Joshua is what am reading and the most interesting thing is that there is war that ‘The Army of the Lord’ fought for Israelites..
I am left with so questions..
I also think there is something about the number 7…
My favorite verse so far is

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Any guys with favorite verses in Joshua?

When passion Reigns..

‘I always wanted to have rice and chapati and rice.. I always wanted to live in a house that doesn’t leak.. I wanted a house that had light so I didn’t have to grope in the darkness to find my way to where my sleeping space was.. ‘
Every one of us is quiet. I feel myself swallow up a lump. Tears threaten. I don’t know if it is sadness for her past or awe at her passion.
‘ when I started this, we started in a house that leaked. The kids and I slept on the floor. The house was dark.. the roof did leak. Every time it rained, I had to feel where the kids were sleeping to know if they were being rained on. People said I was stupid.  How could I help yet I was so poor?
But I wasn’t. Total dependence on God was all I had and is all I still have. If we slept hungry, He is God. If he gave us food, He is God’

She pauses and you can tell that everyone is awake.
The noisy lot of youths was totally quiet.
I smiled at the thought of how hard it is to have them this controlled. This woman did have them all awed.
‘ I kept going because I knew I couldn’t be reborn. I would struggle to give these kids what I didn’t get. The opportunity that nobody offered me. I ain’t giving up none of these up for adoption. None of them is gonna be a househelp at 9  years as I was. None of them is going to be 17, pregnant and helpless as I was. None of them is going to get married to a man that nobody in the whole neighbourhood doesn’t want..
These are my kids. My family. I will watch them graduate, get married and marry. Then I will hear their young ones call me grandma.
That way I will have everything I would ever have wanted on this earth..’
She nods at me to mean she is done..
I can’t find my voice.. it got lost somehow..
I feel a strange voice out of me say
‘You guys go ahead and ask questions’

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Right there in the middle is the Founder of Mother Little Angels Hearts Family home doing the ‘chill’ sign with Sam, Bonnie, Eva and I .. names from left.
She is one of a kind

Happy New month!!

So it is a new month.. It has been some time since I wrote and it has also been long since I heard from so many of my friends like some Ghanaian Dennis.. Not to forget my blogging family..
Lets blame it on the rains. Though this is an excuse and I need to collect all numbers then I can text when am a bit busy to take a peek at what everyone has been up to..
It has been a good time and definitely I am coming back here with so much to tell..
I am in love with life.. 😉
Now, to business.. am wishing you all a blessed happy month and I miss you all..
Those who were born in this month, happy birthday…
Have fun and remember to be grateful for it..
Ps.. Rob for friends without borders.. we need to catch up.. and with everyone else…

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