Reality check

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

Questioning Religion

According to Desmond Tutu: “When the missionaries first came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. when we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land!” Was he right?

I don’t know where to start with this one. Normally i usually have a clue of what i actually want to say. With this shit, i dunno. It is strange and weird to question what i have always known. It is weird to think along those lines and i feel like i am wrong. Yet I can’t stop.

Religion; Opium of masses…. What we turn to. Where we go. Every human got this innate desire to look for a supreme power. For me, it has been Christ and God. I have never questioned that until when i was in my teens. My mum said something about wishing we always followed the old ways. She is a good Christian. When i questioned her, she said she only believed in Christ because he shed blood.

‘Blood has always been powerful. When our fathers wanted rains, they shed blood. When they sought out forgiveness, they shed blood. When they were breaking curses, they shed blood. So there is definite power in the blood. Those people born naturally with destructive powers for something they admire, they wre cheated into looking at blood and they lost that power for a while. Then it was repeated until they would learn to control it. Blood is really powerful.’

‘Why would you doubt the religion then?’ I ask.
She looks at me at shakes her head.

‘They came with the Bible. When we were busy learning about their religion, they took our land. They tortured our people.. They raped, they mutilated, they oppressed.. There is nothing they did not do. They turned us against each other. Yet, their religion is supposed to be about love.” This i hear from one of my friends who is in pursuit of our traditional ways.

I open my whatsapp messenger and am met by a song that is played currently but was composed by the freedom fighters as a prayer.. It is so close to our day in day out prayers, yet those who fought hadn’t embraced the religion..
As i look into it, one of my other friends sends me verses from the Bible that encourage slavery. I am going crazy trying to explain, just like my mum, I believe in the power of the blood. But, I can’t help question everything..

Well, here is the song in my local language, i will try my best to translate it and would love to hear any comments or thoughts..

Ngai Mwega we mûtangîri wa ita {Good God who minds the army]
Mwamûkîri magongona ma andû airû [Who accepts black people’s sacrifices]
Ngai ûrî mbere tûtingîhotwo nî thûû [God if you are before us, our enemies can defeat us]
Mwene Nyaga;Twakûhoya [owner of the dazzling light, we pray unto you]

Tûhoyaga wendani na gîtîo [We pray for love and respect]
Na thaa nyingî cia wendo wa rûûrîrî [Lots of mercy for the love of the tribe]
ûiguano wa Gîkûyû na Mûmbi [For good relations between Gikuyu and Mumbi]
Mwene Nyaga;Twakûhoya [Owner of Dazzling Light we pray unto you]

Twakûhoya tûkonana twî ithuothe [ We pray that we shall all see each other]
Kuuma Ngong’u nginya karîma tûra [ From Ngong’ to Tura mountains]
Hîndî îyo kîeha nîgîgathira [Then our sadness will end]
Njamba cia ita,na aciari aitû [Army warriors, and our parents]

Î kamatimù mûrûagîra ûkombo [Kamatimu fights slavery]
Njamba cia ita ikîrûîra bûrûri [Amy warriors fighting for the country]
Twatigîirwo nî Gîkûyû na Mûmbi [Left to us by Gikuyu and Mumbi]
Mwene Nyaga, Twakûhoya [Owner of Dazzling Light we pray unto you]

Ngai Mwega we mûtangîri wa ita
Mwamûkîri magongona ma andû airû
Ngai ûrî mbere tûtingîhotwo nî thûû
Mwene Nyaga;Twakûhoya

Tûhoyaga wendani na gîtîo
Na thaa nyingî cia wendo wa rûûrîrî
ûiguano wa Gîkûyû na Mûmbi
Mwene Nyaga;Twakûhoya

Î we Ngai, î we Ngai [Oh God, Oh God]
Ngai wa maithe maitû Nowe Ngai, [ God of our forefathers you the only God]
Nîwe Ngai ;Mwene Nyaga Ngai ,nowe Ngai [You are God, Owner of Dazzling light, the only God]
We no we Ngai [You are the only God]
We watoranîirie njamba cia ita [You won battles for the army warriors]

As I look at this prayer which makes more sense untranslated, i can’t help wonder what would have happened if they did not come all this way to teach us their ways?



(My first publish poem somewhere in 1982)
I use to dream of you,
dream of slowly undressing you.
Touching and loving every desire,
you wanted to feel.
I wanted us to take trips together,
time we could spend laughing and talking.
I wanted to know all your dreams,
tell you all mine.
So funny,
when my time to love you came.
I saw what you were.
You were just a picture of beauty,
only giving warmth to people who could,
advance your life.
I walked away from you,
for I took you.
You would destroy all the beauty of you.
I wish to see in my dreams.
                      Dancing Coyote

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Dear Ma’am

Hey. I hope you’re good as I am. I get to understand that you are curious on whether i write… No ma’am.. I am sorry. I no longer write.. Do you remember what happens to a dream defered?? Mine did dry up like a raisin in the sun.. Worse still, it sagged like a heavy load..

I know you ask why. You had hopes in me. You thought maybe, there would be a story by now. You thought the government would be looking for me by now.. You thought maybe like Ngugi wa Thiong’o i would be exiled. You thought that one day you would look at my work and smile that you taught well. Well,I am sorry ma’am.

I have reasons though. To many they are excuses. Yet to me, they are reasons.
You see ma’am, these Kenyans you thought would be liberated by my writing, are as forgetful as kids. They suffer from short term memory loss. I decided not to waste my ink on them ma’am.

Just the other day, they murdered a beautiful pregnant woman. They rapped her and cut her baby out of her womb. She not only died, but died in pain. I can only imagine her pain. The main suspect is one of those who does his part in building the nation. His ulcers caused by sumptuous lunches. The internet went mad. In a week’s time, they forgot.. They moved on. The girl was buried maam. Just the other day, the lesser nation builders sat and listened to him. He is a free man..

I will write to you day in day out miss. I will spill my ink. So you can understand, why i won’t waste my ink on these people..

You see ma’am, King Kaka tried to wake them up. He tried to inform them. One week he trend on Twitter. After that week, they started justifying another nation builder, feeding on our economy. He shot a Dj.. A son of a peasant. A lesser nation builder. The system helped him out. And these sons of peasants, the lesser nation builders, these puppets are dancing to his tune. He is a good man,so they say..

So you see miss, they aren’t worth being exiled for. None of them is. They are just a bunch of middle class fools.

I won’t quit convincing you. I want you to understand that you didn’t fail. You did well. It is these people that aren’t worth of your wisdom.

Your good student.

For the good friends..

It’s raining when i get home. Part of me is exhausted and part of me wants to finish up stuff.. I just can’t. I sit on my bed and think of how quiet it is since my neighbor left.. It’s also very quiet..

I try to do some tasks but i can’t. I give in and pull covers. Last thing i know is that i was reading a book on my phone..

I drift off quickly.. It is cold.. Eerily so.. I can feel the cold air going down my throat.. It is a bit painful.. My brain thinks i should check if the windows are open but my body won’t comply.. I fall into restless sleep.

Dreams come and go.. Then suddenly nightmares.. Someone is suffocating me.. I can’t breath. I try to scream but i can’t… I swallow hard and it’s damn painful.. I can feel myself fighting and sweating.. I wake up with a start.. My head hurts and my throat is closing up on me.. It’s almost 6am.. I need a doctor.

Before i shower, i pick a mirror and look at my throat.. It’s not good.

I feel like shit. I shower quickly. I am on the verge of breaking down but i can’t.. I sit on my bed. The first thought that comes to me is that I wish my dad was here. The most weird thought because it has been almost 20 years.. Yet the little girl in me knows if he waa here he would do anything to keep me safe.. To walk with me when i feel like crap.. It is weird that I wish that there’s a chance of just enjoying selfless love..

Thoughts like these fuck you up. They also fuck up your day.. Luckily for me, my best friend is one of a kind. She sends her husband to pick me up and drop me at the hospital.. Yes i still feel like shit.. Yes i still wish for the impossible.. But at least i got back up.. Good friends are priceless… They are like jewels.. Family that loves you for who you are.. Friends should be kept closer always…

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