Karma, hold..

Honestly Karma needs to have chills. For real.. I think her chill pills are out.. restock needed. Otherwise…

‘I think I can no longer handle men..’ 

That was me yesterday..

‘So?’ Debz asks

‘I will start playing for the other team.. I will get myself a nice girlfriend. And never introduce her anywhere. She gotta be skinny’ I say.

My friend laughed her ass out..

‘What? Am serious here girl’

Oh well, little did I know.. I would be humbled.. 

My head hurts like hell. It’s around 11 a.m. I leave with a cup to get warm water.. maybe, just may be, my headache is caused by indigestion (horrible food eaten.. always stick to your food dealer)..

Am holding my cup as I go past the organic market stand when someone calls out..

‘Winnie! Hi’ 

‘Hi’ Isay right back. Fake smile in place.

‘How are you’?’

Not in a mood for small talk.. my mind responds..

‘Good. You?’ 

I  am standing with my cup of water right there when the pretty woman goes round the stand towards me. 

Weird weird humans..

She goes for a hug.. talk of uncomfortable… she is shorter than me and most times I avoid her like a plague. The last time I talked to her, she ended up showing me her waist beads and saying she can’t bend over with people watching. 

Bad news..

The problem is when that same bad news is draped around you. Forgive me but being endowed with boobs, I prefer hugging hard chests.. another set of boobs is creepy.

I comment about my water and she lets go. Then puts her hand around my waist and starts complaining of how the organic market girl is harassing her.. while running her hand up and down my body..

In my mind am annoyed. Karma honestly.. I was kidding about skinny girls.  Please pleaseee..

Please.. 

(All women who I ain’t close with don’t pull me against you. It’s weird).

Someone tell Karma life isn’t that serious. No need to throw skinny women on my way. I’d rather you threw muscles to me.  I would appreciate. 

Normal women’s handbag vs my handbag

Am trying to be normal people.. am trying.. in my pursuit to normalcy, I checked out a friend’s handbag.. 

1. Lipstick

2. Hairbrush.. (jeez.. her hair is braided. What’s a brush for?)

3. Lip balm.. (really??)

4. Sunscreen.. eerrr.. what’s that for? 

5. Hand lotion.. (are we moving out or something?)

6. Petroleum jelly.. someone kill me already.

7. Panty liners and pads.. pads really?? Pads should show up in the handbag during that time.. Liners.. oh well.. lucky suckers.. they get to get into my bag too.

8. Charger.. totally normal

9. Tissue and wipes… (rolls my eyes)
My handbag.

1. Liners.. oh well.. at least am normal

2. Hand sanitizer.. I might need to start eating somewhere I can’t access water.. and honestly I can’t afford upset stomach.. I would be dysfunctional..

3. Bread.. eerrr.. wait.. somewhere during the day I will be offered tea. It’s only wise to have my own bread.

4. Plums.. remember me? The villager? There’s no way plums season is passing me by without feeding daily on them.

5. Dewormer.. it’s been long.. I have to maintain a clean stomach to keep the appetite.. this is normal people.. it’s normal.

6. Charger and earphones.. duh!! What did you expect? 

7. Tissue.. am only human..

8. Coffee satchet.. what would I do if I start feeling sleepy people? What would I do? Am equipped.. 

Well, as I go through security check.. the guard is smiling at me weirdly.. 

Creepy humans..

Enjoy your weekend and keep safe!!!

Haha… Survival for the fittest

10 Survival Tips for the Next Appointment with Your Doctor – http://wp.me/pw6j0-DS

Dear single ladies (with morals)

Well, dear ones this is how you know Satan has taken up your case personally because his demons have failed to lure you into helping someone’s husband cheat; he sends more than 4 married men on your back within two weeks..

Unbelievable, right? Well, story of my life..  I have been lucky with two of them because they were darn ugly and I really felt for their wives… it should be on the billboards all over the world.. YOU CAN’T BE UGLY AND STILL WANT TO CHEAT!!!

Unluckily, it isn’t. Well, the game has been upped.. the next guy is good looking, a smooth liar. And well, I am a sucker at refusing to go out with a guy with a great height.. coffee it is.

I go home thinking maybe finally,  I have left the unmarriage-able likes of Madge Naomi and Debz just to mention a few..
When I get home I get a text.
‘Hi’
Well, that guy..
Followed by a call. Guess what? Did he change into a woman??

‘Did he tell you he is married?’ She asks..
‘Nope’.

‘Well, he is.. ‘

Wow.. the following day I get a text..
‘Hi Winnie’…
I am tempted to text ‘get ye behind me Satan’ but am calm enough to text
‘Now who is this? You or your wife?’

He doesn’t text back..
I have always sworn that I won’t help someone cheat on his wife.. some woman who loves the bastard who ain’t worth it.. it causes unnecessary pain, first to me as a single woman, to innocent kids and to the wife..
It ain’t worth anything..

Apparently, the devil is working really hard to break this one..

A really good looking guy, married with two kids…
Damn.. Do men always come as a package? Nkt..

Anyway, dear single ladies who got morals, if he cheats on his wife with you, he will cheat on you with another one..
Join me in this prayer and let’s get real intercessors not the likes of Lalyne..

Do not lead us to temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thy is the kingdom, the power and the glory.. amen

As for guys who can’t keep a word, don’t get married.. be single your entire life.
The damage you do is irrevocable.

Finally I have taken up a new relationship status..

Tuesday Rant

Well, every damn thing seems set against me this time.. Even my very old unmarried friend (am not mentioning Faith Kaibere) dared start war on Facebook about my marital status .. what to say *sighs*.. The stars are just against me man..

Just a few days ago, I was to shop for a girl. I couldn’t access her because of the children’s home regulations so I had to send cash. Just yesterday, she called me up. She doesn’t have some stuff.. well, some of the cash I sent disappeared miraculously… or maybe we are back to the era of magic? In my status, I seriously could believe so.

As if that’s not enough, someone I want to believe in me so badly stated that he/she doesn’t..
Damn…. I never thought this day would ever come.

Well, as if that’s not enough, my lip succumbed to I dunno what. I woke up swollen and feeling like crap.. I think some really good flu is catching up with me…

Seriously can’t bad things spread out and happen one at a time?

Anyway, lemme go back to sleep.. Life is darn short.. I will smile (though my lip won’t cooperate) when I can always.
Blessed week folks.

Koffi Olomide Deported

Wow.. wow.. Kenyans on social media are just crazy. Did the Congolese guy just get deported??

Let’s raise the same issue and see if a few things could be corrected in Kenya like tribalism, corruption and stuff.

But wait.. if a foreigner misbehaves in our country, we can deport them.. if Kenyans misbehave in Kenya necessarily Nairobi, shouldn’t they be sent back to their respective villages??

If a guy slaps me

Can we start by saying a small prayer and hope it never happens?
Thanks

The first time I was slapped by someone I was in form 1. Fresh into secondary school. I made fun of my Biology teacher who heard it.. and well, not really fun.. I was just concerned if he would reach the blackboard  since he was very short.. could we just say I was concerned??

Well, in the light of recent event ( Congolese star Koffi Olomide slaps a woman.. caught on camera and now instead of performing in Kenya, Kenyans are screaming for him to be deported back to Congo)
I have been wondering what I would do if a guy slapped me..

Is it police, is it feigning death or what would I do?. I probably would walk away in peace then come back with a jug of hot water from wherever and throw it right into… need I complete that..

On a serious note.. what man slaps a woman? That’s uncouth

Growing older

It is almost half a day of Tuesday day one of September. I am still in my bed with a bit of damp moods because of a few things.. However my crazy friends are sending me all mad messages and audios wishing me happy birthday.. there you have it.. it’s my birthday and all I am doing is staying in bed and getting crazy offers

From my brother
Hallo and Happy birthday. Safaricom wishes you joy and long life. Thank you for staying with Safaricom the better option
( well, safaricom is the network service provider. Who wants such a brother?? )

From my friend Leila
Happy birthday dear Winnie
Nakupenda kama ugali ( I love you like Ugali which is a local tasteless meal. I no longer want this friend).

From my friend Doreen
Hi dear. Happy birthday. Find the best barber shop and get your hair shaved. I will pay. That’s my birthday gift. (Someone shoot this dummy for me)

From my friend Gwen
Hi Winnie. Happy birthday. I will buy you sausages when I get money.. (what the heck?? It’s freaking end month Gwen!!)

From some guy Joel
Hi honey. Happy birthday. Will you please come we celebrate it at my house then I take you out to KFC?? (Dude, it’s my birthday. What kind of celebration will the two of us have in your freaking house?? Thanks but no)

From my friend Debbz
Happy birthday dear kaLucy
( okay, when did my name change?? Someone help me get good friends).
I will take you out on next week. Pick a day.

I simply don’t know why but it seems crazy messages is all I will get until the weekend comes.. anyway, I feel old now and I think I will start watching my diet. 25 isn’t very young.

always winnie

Dear Nigerians

My brodas and sistos I hope you are from Nigeria not Ghana or any other West African country. You are the first group of people that I have nothing positive about.. maybe you should be happy you are the first.
Now listen, I have no issues with you being in our country or malls or acting like Nigeria bought Kenya so you are just enjoying the fruits of your hard labor. I even have no issues on the fact that all your young men do is hit our girls, lie to them, lay them and dump them. Girls should know better..
But I have issues on your loud mouths. Didn’t your West African neighbors tell that your accent is horrible? I really can’t stand it.. worse off, is it how you talk or is it that you think most Kenyans have hearing problems?? You talk like you are telling the whole world
‘ brodas and sistos, my accent na be very very bad now. Look at me na.. am Nigorean.. ‘

Second, if you dare be rude to me… ‘ dear broda we gon be fighting like crazy’
Today I watched one of your people shout negatively and the girls holding out the ‘ okoa dada campaign’ ( rescue a sister campaign. People are approached to give a packet of sanitary towel. The towels are then given to orphans and the poor poor)
That wasn’t cool of you. I would be really disappointed if it was a Ghanaian. Now, either learn to behave in my country or stay in the houses and find someone to shop for you. Better still, you can always be in church praying that Boko Haram doesn’t get your people..
Do anything else. Don’t talk. I will be working on deporting you back to your country.

always winnie

When he is too old

Sometimes I feel like karma is getting back at me for breaking up with young and able guys or why else would someone soo old approach me??

Karma please… I have decided that after every break up, I will commit to a repentance session because if another old man approaches me, I will commit suicide and karma will have won. Nobody will manage to convince me otherwise.

Just the other day I had to deal with an old Arab, now an old white?? I actually mean old.. like maybe seventy year old!!! These people are ruining my self esteem which I have been trying to build since I was young.. Do I look like 60 or maybe 50?? Now my esteem is undergoing a recession and I have to frequent places with mirrors to reassure myself..

An old guy smiles at me at a mall I refuse to turn away thinking that he might think of adopting me. I give a stiff smile and think maybe it is time I got a new parent who will not complain about my hair. I even imagine myself visiting my mum with the craziest hairstyle and she won’t complain. My happy thoughts are cut short when I realize that the old man has no intentions of adopting me..
What the heck!!! Old guy (not that I have anything against old people, but I love them when they realize they can only be grandparents) you ain’t planning on adoption??
And why then are you even looking at me?? Turn away!! My insides are churning.. go away.. no no no.. move on and accept you aged!!!

To restore my esteem, I will need a new mirror.. I will have to remind me that I am still not old..

always winnie