Gracious father

It’s upon those miracles that we humans think are small that I remember how much you love me..

It’s in my troubles and how you are always here that reminds me of your grace..

It’s in my mingling with people and hearing what their lives are that I can touch your love gracious Father…

It’s in my brokenness and hopelessness that I can see your kindness my gracious Father..

It’s in my getting lost and stupidity that your love finds me oh my maker…

It’s in you that I can say am safe gracious Lord..

Thank you for
Breath
Life
Health
Family
Friends
Love
Joy
Peace
Kindness
And everything else..

Anytime that I think less, open my eyes that I may see your goodness upon my life
My gracious Lord..
Your love is amazing.

Wednesday quote..

Some people are like clouds, when they disappear, it is a beautiful day.
Enjoy ya Wednesday

I definitely want mine

The Rose! – http://wp.me/p84w5G-1vq

Professor Shitty

I walk towards main campus in an okay pace..
I could say am a bit excited but then I have learned in this life to get excited over anything.
The thought of coming back here for postgraduate still crosses my mind but I honestly don’t know why I would do that..
Why not undergraduate in literature or linguistics? I think to myself as I remove my I.d card to be allowed into campus.
I walk towards Mahtma Gandhi wing barely giving a glance at Taifa hall. The only thoughts that crossed me in when I attended class in that hall is how high it is and if the floor was good enough for badminton.

At the entrance, I once again show my I.d.
Where to? The soldier asks
‘Department of Psychology’ I answer as I head for the slow elevator.

The department is on 4th floor and is well hidden. It takes me 15 minutes to locate the lecturer’s  office.
I knock.

‘Come in’
I push the door and am in the office.

‘Close the door’ he says..

‘No. I like the air’ I say back the lie rolling easily off my tongue.

He is a shrink… I think to myself.
He can probably see through me..

Not really… my brain counters..
I smile to him.

‘I am Winnie’ I say stretching my hand.
‘Hey Winnie. Professor..’ I don’t get his name. I am struggling not to squirm as he checks me out.
My baggy jeans and oversize t-shirt with the words ‘BLACK CHIC’ seem like inadequate clothing.

We have a mighty problem.

Monday quote

We are afraid to care too much for fear that the other person does not care at all. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Blessed week

Until Then..

‘Until the pain goes away…
Until the bleeding stops’
She whispers quietly
‘The pills will be taken’
Until then can you feel okay..
The feeling is gonna go..
But
Until I can bathe off your smell
Until I can heal the scars
‘Till I can banish the images of you
Pushing me against the wall
Until I stop fighting you in my dreams
To keep your filthy hands off me..

Until I can stop feeling myself break
When you roughly entered me
Until the pain that I felt
Can stop haunting me..
Until that tear you made
Can heal and wounds go..
Until then..

Until I can stop smelling your perfume
Everywhere I go
Until I can convince myself
Not everyone is like you
Until my hands stop shaking every time a door is closed..
Until I can convince myself
I ain’t to blame for anything

Until then, the pain is raw..
Worse than the blood that trickles
Worse than the marks..

Until then I will cry myself to sleep
And tomorrow will be the same

Piano sounds just make it more vivid..
Trust is unattainable..
Living unworthy..

Random thoughts

‘Am only human after all’ is what am thinking to myself as I sit in the bus..
A bit of sad thoughts crawl in and I can find myself sinking into somewhere I don’t like..
It feels cold and it’s like am alone surrounded by so many people.. nobody can pull me out if I start thinking. I know am going hard on myself, but the only person who cares about me is me and the only person who has expectations on me is me.. I cannot afford to disappoint myself..  I am all I have..

It has been a long day and the fact that I have no earphones will make it longer..

It’s like sinking… sinking deeper..

Good Weekend folks.. 😦

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Nothing worries me as being in pain or the thought of it; whether physical or emotional.

The idea that I may have have played a role in inflicting pain on myself or someone else makes me even sicker..

Love is..

Some time ago, I watched 50 Shades of Grey and thought I would watch 50 shades darker later..
Well, I didn’t. While looking for something to read, I ran into the the 3 books; 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed..
I have come to a conclusion that, Love is Finding someone like that character  Christian Grey and still keeping him.. honestly I was running in my dreams..
This is a weird world..

I need a research partner on Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism….

About this life..

‘Life is shitty’ I think to myself.. am partially awake and I am in a complaining mood. I want to talk to a stranger then kill them.. I could whine for the entire day.. I want to get into a fight.. I want to be everything that I was taught not to be…
I stretch my hand to pick a book. You know what? Maybe John Grisham’s boring crap will bore me to death.. maybe Danielle Steele will make me suicidal again… I pause thinking what Torey Haden would do to me… make me feel sadder?

I pull out something and guess what… someone’s eulogy.. a girl. She was born in 1986.. Things flash in my mind and I feel like somebody who will never know how to be grateful .  Am unappreciative.. an ingrate..

Well, before you tell me anything, hear me out..
The mother of this girl..
She has her grandkids staying with her. The mother of the kids died thanks to HIV.. Their father? You heard of the career bastards who don’t die quick? That’s him.. He drinks himself stupid.. insults his mother at the slightest chance he gets.  When I came to this place and heard him, I wanted him hauled into a police cell.. but well, his mother walked past him with her can of porridge, her head bowed low.. I watched her blink back tears as she asked us if we would buy from her.. That’s how she supports those kids.
Nothing felt sadder..
I asked about her..

‘Her husband died.. she supports her son’s kids. She tries. Her daughter, a mother of two is unwell. A good kid’

I went home and hoped her daughter would get well… too much for hopes. Soils to soils.. the pastor did say those words.. Felt like a damn insult..

Sadness for her.. she got an additional of two to feed..

I don’t know if to weep for her or not.. sometimes life decides we haven’t had enough.. but for some people.. well, I wouldn’t say anything, for am controller of nothing I am but surely complaining about my life is a sure dumb move..

I rise from my seat.. Sadness tagging my heart.. Friday it is.. have a blessed one folks.. 😦