Temptations

I lie uncomfortably on the couch… I stretch my hand to feel if I have my phone.. it is there.. safe.
I can feel myself drifting away.. I feel sleepy and happy.
Days have flown by and I have spent the better part of the week smiling not to mention laughing with my friends..

If only I wasn’t so broke.. then I would say I have the dream life..

Plans to visit Kenyan Coastal areas for the Easter break have been put off.. money matters. I don’t really feel at a loss.
I can feel myself smiling in my semi_asleep state. I know even if I don’t hit the Coastal areas or take any other road trip, I will spend the break with amazing people.. and am going to be happy..
Still, I would have loved to hit the road..

My eyes finally are too heavy to keep open.. I give in and close my eyes..
Darn.. it’s uncomfortable.. I am too tall for the couch..

My struggles are cut short by my phones vibration.. it’s a text..
Maybe it’s mpesa.. (mobile money. Here we send and receive money through phones so it is M for mobile and Pesa, Swahili for money thus M-Pesa)
I force my eyes open and guess who..
The same guy who got me so sad that I thought I would never laugh..
‘Hi. I know you told me not call you. But I had promised myself that I would go for a road trip with you before things changed. I would feel better if I fulfilled that promise’
I seriously want to throw away my phone.. 😀

Dear God

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I really am grrateful to you.. you have been an amazing Father, flawless and with unending love..
Your mercies have been new every morning and will always be..
Your love is limitless and your grace is just unexplainable..

Despite all my mistakes, you have always been there.. I couldn’t have asked for more of a father.. I don’t know what I would do without you..
Am amazed by your love.. day in day out.. I love you and today all I want is to say to you is that I am grateful to you..
Always.. remind me of your love.. hold my hand every day.. and let me be lost in your embrace..

I will always be awed by you love…

Swimming in the sewage

My head hurts from the sun and I think my forehead will peel off. I can’t concentrate on the headache. My stomach feels worse.. My life has been miserable and I can’t recall when I last had a decent meal..
The Nairobi people are always in a rush and all I think of now is that if someone bumps on me, I will just fall. My energy is failing me.. I blink back tears.. I have been doing that a lot lately..

I walk towards the market hoping that shopping will lighten my mood..  My mind is half blank and the other is praying that nobody touches me.. I don’t even have my phone.. just in case someone snatches it.. I have no energy to run or scream.

Towards the market.. the sewage pipes have been broken by road construction guys.. I really want to throw up badly.. my stomach fails me.. I am determined to get to the market and there is a congested way there.. it is safe from the sewage but the pickpockets thrive there..
I can imagine myself falling all the  way to where the sewage drains into Nairobi river.. I can imagine myself drowning..
It is disgusting..
I dare to look into the Nairobi River ..  I realize maybe, I might survive a fall..
Right there, are street kids swimming in the same river that the freaking sewage is draining into..
I want to throw up.. or throw up and cry…
I get past the sewer safely and walk towards the market sicker than I left home..
I wish I could pay swimming pool for all those kids.. 😦

Forgive my ungrateful heart

Standing there in a floral dress
Red flowers to be precise
With a radiant smile on her face
With a slight bend…
Something about her leg.

And he read for her

‘I thank God for healing me
I am grateful for today
I can see
I can walk
I have legs..
I thank God for those guys.. it was a beautiful praise…’

I feel  a lump rise on my throat..
So much I have been taking for granted..
Maintaining a gloomy face
And worse off, an ungrateful heart

I blink back tears as she walks  towards her seat with a slight limp
And the smile so beautiful on her face..
I turn to my neighbor
She wipes a tear off her face and whispers

she  can’t hear. That’s why she got it read..

Forgive my ungrateful heart oh Lord..,

Manning up

My phone vibrates in my pocket  then stops immediately.. for a moment I think I might have imagined. I pull it out nonetheless.
My friend looks at me intently. I can feel her waiting for me to tell her whose message or call it is..
It has to be a message.

I do the pattern on the screen and a dark shadow crosses my face. I wish my friend wasn’t looking at me..
‘ what is wrong?’ She asks.
‘ Nothing.’ I reply. I try to look away. My moods dampen and I can feel myself wishing for the wind to blow the threatening tears…

‘ Mamaa, it is him.. right?’ She asks searching for my face…
‘Darn bastard!’ She curses under her  breath..
‘ I heard that..’

We walk past the shopping center and I pay no attention to the street food.
‘Do you want anything?’ 
‘No’.
My hands are out of my pockets and am hugging myself. It feels a bit chilly.

‘Look, you don’t deserve anything like this my dear. And for once, I want you to man up, unblock that guy and listen to him. He is going to lie to you. And if your brain works at all, you will let him know that you know he is a lying cheat who doesn’t deserve you.. ‘ She says to me and the look she gives me, I know I really look pathetic. My friend rarely shows her soft side.

She hugs me and offers to buy me something which I politely decline. She is dismayed.. she wants to stay with me, but she has CATs to study for.
‘Go.. I will be fine. I promise. I will even get ice cream’ I give her a fake smile which she doesn’t buy. Reluctantly she heads back to campus..

I walk on the extreme sides of the road.. I think it’s warm but I feel cold..
How did I get here?
I want so badly to know what he has to say.. but I feel so afraid that I will believe in his lies and be drawn back.. I feel so afraid that in wanting to be the only woman for him, I will fall back right there.. then she is going to come by.. and it will always be like that..
I sink my hands into my pockets. I am at a loss.
Being the most sensible amongst my friends isn’t enough this time.

I walk thinking of how many times I have had to stand lies, being hurt or lame excuses.. anger..
With a slight shake on my hands, I get my phone out. I undo the harassment filter settings.
I muster all my courage or what my friend calls manning up, dial his number..
It rings and in a second, his voice is there. I can’t tell whether he is pleased I called him or pleased he knew I would lose the silence battle.
‘Winnie, hi.. I couldn’t get through to you’
I feel angry..  but controlled..
‘Hi. Are you in a quiet place? We need to talk’

We all need love..

‘We all need love… we all need affection’
These lyrics from #unconditionallybae by the Kenyan band Sautisol got me thinking…  we do need love.. and definitely affection we need but from human beings, can it really be unconditional?
I don’t want to think about it at all because am neither emotionally nor psychologically fit to answer that question..
Sometimes I wish keeping a healthy relationship is as easy as maintaining a healthy lifestyle.. like ‘eat lot’s of vegetables, hit the gym…’ and stuff.
But no.. life isn’t that easy.
We do love and affection but it won’t come unconditionally….
The only unconditional love we are getting is from God… nobody else

I have been a bit sad lately but I am feeling really better now.. I am appreciating friends and having fun with them..
Although sadness creeps in at times, I can’t help feel like my broken wing is healing way better than I expected.. I am a bird again.. with a scar.. I can fly.. though not as far..
Enjoying the wind as I soar..
And freedom at last..
No longer a bird with a broken wing..
I am a bird, with a healing wing..

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