That void

Nothing is worse that loneliness. That void in the heart that feels unfulfilled.. that void that never goes away.. You think a job will fill it.. you get a job, it’s still there. You think getting your own house will fill it.. so you get yourself a house and the void is still there. 

You think that getting in a relationship will fill it.. it doesn’t go away.. there’s always a nagging emptiness.. nothing can fill it.. nothing.. no matter how many relationships you do.. no matter how much money you get.. no matter what you do.. 

Until you talk to God. And keep talking to him.. until you start walking with him.. until he fills your heart.. 

Until He is your friend. Then nothing.. absolutely nothing can make you feel void. You will be broke and feel whole.. You will not be in a relationship and still fill whole.. 

It’s amazing.. 

A moment with God

Well, am sure you are wondering what I gonna say about walking with God.. maybe absolutely nothing.. am one of the sinners. It’s no secret..
But maybe, just maybe am learning..
So in learning I ran into the Psalmist and particularly the one who wrote 119.. David was the Psalmist.. He, a man that God says is a man after God’s own heart starts by stating
‘Blessed are those whose ways are blameless.. that walk according to the laws of the Lord’

I would expect David (a man after God’s own heart) to be amongst those that keep God’s laws effortlessly.. but it amazes me as I read farther..
David does say he is a stranger.. he prays to God to teach him His ways that he may walk in them..

And my mind goes like well, if David would err in the ways of the Lord and need to be taught.. why not me??
So find me learning Psalms 119 and making that prayer..

Perhaps make it with me??

Traumas life throws my way

Hey.. It has been some time since I posted here.. I was recovering from a traumatic experience.. I can’t even try to imagine how I will keep on going but am trying hard.. 

The only consolation I have right now is that my bed and I are still married. Have you called me and I told you I was busy?? Asked me out and I told you I couldn’t make?? Well, marriage takes dedication.. I am trying to make this marriage work.. please don’t ruin it for me..

Back to my traumatic experience.. (this isn’t a read for the weak hearted or those that love me)..

Friday evening

A guy I met in the streets of Nairobi called me.. he asked me to go out with him.. well, I can’t . I already told you all am married.. I got my ass into a bus.. (well y’all know am Kikuyu so maybe not much ass) but I got it in a bus anyway and headed home.. 

Having turned down a guy , I felt bad for him and decided to treat myself and hope he would feel better after I had eaten.. 

I alight at the market at around 7:30 p.m… fish it is.. am gonna feed myself with fish and ugali.. 

I shopped for fresh fish, bell peppers, chillies, onions and tomatoes.. I even got a cup of milk for the stew and wished I could access coconut.. well, couldn’t.. 

I walked home hurriedly and diverted my calls just in case anybody decided to call when am enjoying my fish and ugali.. In my mind, I was enjoying creamy fish stew with ugali… damn.. Did I mention I cheat on my husband sleep with food?? 

Fish is sacred.. it’s my love.. thanks to

being broubrought up aamongst brothers who fish.. 

Soon as I get to the house, I drop my bag at the door.. same as my shoes and anything that doesn’t involve food.. 

I get water in small basin and get my fish out.. time to wash up!!!

This is where I almost break down… I could cry or scream.. I could mourn but am too shocked.. I can feel a painful lump forming on my throat.. I simply cannot live in Kenya anymore.. I need a husband even if Ugandan to get me out of this corrupt country.. I am willing to marry a 90 year old white to leave.. 

Please.. 

Writing about this is more painful than I thought..

Just imagine inside my fresh fish.. just at the throat are about four.. 4 freaking earthworms.. those slimy, red or pink bastards are writhing in my fish.. my fish.. my own freaking fish.. they could have picked any other fish but no no no.. they decided on mine.. 

And they are alive and have the guts  to writhe soon as they touch water.. 

I simply can’t talk about this anymore.. it’s too soon.. maybe the guy who wanted to go out with me is a wizard.. Or nature really really hates me..

Anyway, I slept hungry and right now I can’t even look at my favorite food.. am hysterical and still trying to recover.. No worries..It’s time my best friend Leila made herself useful in my life and suggested a good psychologist.. 

All are welcome to send their messages of consolation.. even money is acceptable.

Of Campus and Campus Crush 3

On such long days girls would talk of shopping, outing, dinning, movies and all those girlish stuffs, but who on this earth thinks of games? Real playing. I mean physical sports. This was Winnie. Yea, Always Winnie. As a way of spending the rest of the day, she suggested we go play board games. I wanted to feel offended. At the same time I was amused. Despite the fact that where I come from such game were considered child play (which I latter came to realize how wrong I was and how fun it was) I didn’t expect a lady to express interest in games and sports and actually take part actively. I was operating half consciously and half semi-consciously and based on mens’ inability to multitask, semi-consciousness was winning.    “Do you know Monopoly?” Juliet asked for the second time, this time tapping me. Mono… what??? I wanted to ask. From the bush I come from the only board game we know is a multiplication table on a blackboard. “No” I mumbled. I didn’t want to embarrass myself and at the same time I didn’t want to lie. My mind was over-clocking. “It’s not that complicated” Katoi assured. “I am also a learner” Juliet added. “Actually you can be a beginner and beat the pros” Winnie chipped in. All this assurances left me no choice. In fact it psyched me up.

    I missed some parts of the conversation as my mind raced ahead in time. I was thinking of the space to play the game. Juliet’s room had three other roomie, adding the four of us would make it a mess violating the government decongestion policies. This was my chance. I shared my room with a guy who was never present. Perfect to our situation. The second task was to convince the girls into the boys halls of residence. At this I wasn’t sure of where to start. I quickly jumped back to reality. Maybe I could find some cues and take advantage of them to express my idea. Luckily the girls had digressed to girls issues and little was realized about my silence. 

     “Say something. You are so much reserved” Katoi said directing it to me. “I am not used to girls’ company.” I shyly confessed. “Don’t you have sisters?” she attacked. “Welcome to my world” Juliet said patting my back comfortingly. The girls laughed. I felt comfortable. 

   I was getting to know more about the girls. Moreso I was getting to know Winnie. However the more I knew about her the farther away she felt. She was in her own world. And it was working great for her. She wasn’t easily impressed. She wasn’t into trends nor fashion. She had a Nokia C1 phone which she held dearly as she chatted and blogged. How I wished to be on her chat list. Why couldn’t she migrate to smartphones? I always wondered. She had an aerie of independence. She paid for all she got. 

  “I could do with some breakfast” Juliet said. “In my room I have some eggs, if only we could get there I could make you breakfast” I offered. It was my chance. I couldn’t afford to let it slip. “It is also convenient to host you there for the board game.” I quickly added. Winnie and Katoi were up to protest. Juliet realising the need for more space came to my aid and responded to their worries. Hearing from Juliet gave them the assurance they needed. I was almost feeling proud of myself. I had made a step forward.

Of campus and campus crushes 2

(I always write about others.. being written about is strange.)

Seeing her now and then became often. On most occasions it was in presence of Juliet. Conversations were limited to greetings and on request for opinions especially tie-breakers when the girls couldn’t agree on certain issues.

  

   Juliet was such a nice company and dragged me around. We shared secrets and she exposed me to the elite class. 

    

    Having grown up in the cold shades of Aberdares coupled with family problems, I was shy and na├»ve. Talking to girls was not my thing. Not that I didn’t want to but the confidence failed me. I wasn’t an introvert as such, I made friend and even engaged in social activities, but opening up to the matters of the heart, was way out of my strength.
   Juliet would always tell sweet stories of her love life but I had nothing to offer. How could I tell her of Winnie, while she was still a fantasy in my sweet dreams? Juliet was against fixing me up for hook ups even though she always introduced me to to her female friends. She would always advice me to work my love life and get a decent girl who my heart would be comfy with. And as such I feared telling her of Winnie. 

     

   One day after an early morning maths lecture Juliet and I hooked up as usual. Winnie and Katoi caught up with us on our way out of the lecture hall. The girls hugged and I was given a hand shake. Poor me, how dreamt of that hug but in vain. By now I had grown used to girls chat and I could always find a way to chip in. I was learning and getting comfortable and moreso I was getting to know Winnie. However the more I knew about her the further away from me she felt. Now that i could not openly tell her how much I wanted her I opted to use suggestive actions and gestures. It wasn’t easy though, she had an aerie of independence around her. She opted to pay for all she got. And she wasn’t impressed by trends. She still had a Nokia c1 that she clinged onto, chatting and blogging, like her last breathe. How I longed to be on that chat list.
   After the usual girls ‘what have you been uptos” it was time to plan for the next course. The just completed lecture was the only one for that day. Alot of free time was available.

Of campus and campus crushes

Semester 1 moved fast and throughout, there was nothing I could

muster. Nothing much happened. Semester two was the same for the better part. I again had a chance to sit next to her but courage was failed me terribly. Towards the end of the second semester something weird happened…. Yeah, it was weird for me to make a friend and more weird a female one. She was a tall, elagant and blah blah blah… In short she was classy and way out of my league. How it happened, its a story for another day. Coincidentally, she was also in SMA.

My new friend was that gal, you could say she had the whole institution at her command and I felt so insignificant in her presence. However, she pampered me and made me feel comfortable. She made me feel important. I had this big sister now who I could tell anything and she could advice me on all issues. 

On the second year, she started introducing me to her friends. 

On one particular day after a lecture, we hooked up as usual. Then two girls came saying hi to her. Not much introductions were done. But I learnt one was Katoi and the one was ….OMG… Winnie, that girl who always had me looking forward to maths lectures.

I couldn’t keep calm, and again I didn’t want to be the weirdo, I wanted a space to regroup my thoughts. I walked behind as the girls chatted. Their plans were to go take fries at the CBD. Relief was creeping in at the thought of us parting ways at the main gate until Juliet(not her real name) suggested that I should join them for fries. I could have paid anyone to kidnap me at that very instant. “I don’t have money on me right now” I nervously lied. “I will pay” Juliet offered. This made me feel weak and stupid. Which guys says that infront of such ladies? My heart was sinking and my ego crawling. I followed them sheepishly as they chatted the way forward. I was lost in my own thoughts. May be I could have offered to buy all them lunch, be the gentleman and maybe catch the attention of my all time crush? What a chance did I lose.

The girls settled for Sizzling restaurant. I ate my fries meekly as the girl chatted on

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