The problem with pain

It may sound like one of the CS Lewis books, but trust me it isn’t.

You toss and turn in your bed. You can’t sleep .Your pillow is soaked in tears. Your eyes are heavy.. You wish for sleep or something to numb the pain. Nothing you try works. Absolutely nothing.

 

You don’t wake up… because you never slept in the first place.. You can’t think of a reason to go on with life.. You drag yourself out of bed looking haggard.. no appetite..

You look around and think that nobody understands your pain. How can they know? Nobody can identify with what you are going through. At some level you are right because we all handle pain in different ways.. We are all affected at different levels. I however want to sound cliche here.. “Nothing is new under the sun. Everything that is here, has been experienced” Lost a parent? Has happened.. Lost a kid? Yup.. It has happened.. Lost everything? Do I need to keep saying it has happened? You get the gist . it..

 

All I want to encourage is letting someone in. Let them help you with the pain. Let someone hold you.. Let someone listen to you.. Let someone fight with you. If you are spiritual like me talk it to God. When I have found myself in painful situations, I call my best friend. Most times there is nothing she can do physically, but at least I know I have someone on my side and trust me it has gotten me through lots of shit..

With pain, nobody can prep you enough on what to expect or how you are gonna  feel… nobody tells you how it is gonna hurt like a bitch.. Nobody can prepare you for pain. .And yes, nobody can understand your pain… All I can do is encourage you to share it out.. Let someone know how it feels.. Don’t fight alone.. You can even reach out online…

With the rising number of suicide cases in the country I can’t help but hope that someone will read this and want to fight. Do reach out, even to me… {you got to buy me food though.. sorry. I suck and I know it} but honestly don’t give up without trying. Wishing every other Kenyan a fighting spirit.  Let us all be our brothers keeper. Help soak off some pain in any way you can.

Somebody could always use a hug

When passion Reigns..

‘I always wanted to have rice and chapati and rice.. I always wanted to live in a house that doesn’t leak.. I wanted a house that had light so I didn’t have to grope in the darkness to find my way to where my sleeping space was.. ‘
Every one of us is quiet. I feel myself swallow up a lump. Tears threaten. I don’t know if it is sadness for her past or awe at her passion.
‘ when I started this, we started in a house that leaked. The kids and I slept on the floor. The house was dark.. the roof did leak. Every time it rained, I had to feel where the kids were sleeping to know if they were being rained on. People said I was stupid.  How could I help yet I was so poor?
But I wasn’t. Total dependence on God was all I had and is all I still have. If we slept hungry, He is God. If he gave us food, He is God’

She pauses and you can tell that everyone is awake.
The noisy lot of youths was totally quiet.
I smiled at the thought of how hard it is to have them this controlled. This woman did have them all awed.
‘ I kept going because I knew I couldn’t be reborn. I would struggle to give these kids what I didn’t get. The opportunity that nobody offered me. I ain’t giving up none of these up for adoption. None of them is gonna be a househelp at 9  years as I was. None of them is going to be 17, pregnant and helpless as I was. None of them is going to get married to a man that nobody in the whole neighbourhood doesn’t want..
These are my kids. My family. I will watch them graduate, get married and marry. Then I will hear their young ones call me grandma.
That way I will have everything I would ever have wanted on this earth..’
She nods at me to mean she is done..
I can’t find my voice.. it got lost somehow..
I feel a strange voice out of me say
‘You guys go ahead and ask questions’

image

Right there in the middle is the Founder of Mother Little Angels Hearts Family home doing the ‘chill’ sign with Sam, Bonnie, Eva and I .. names from left.
She is one of a kind

Happiness

If someone decides they’re not going to be happy, it’s not your problem. You don’t have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.
Joyce Meyer

Winnie

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