Disclaimer _ the fact that you ain’t in kenya doesn’t give you a right to say you won’t visit Nairobi based on this post
Nairobi people are amazing. Their worst fear is the rains. I generally think rains make Nairobians more stupid such that as soon as it starts raining, everybody breaks all the traffic rules in a hurry to get home and they all end up in a mad traffic jam and get stuck for five hours. Well, that isn’t the only reason; make up can’t stand rains, neither can fake hair. The rains start, and an economic boom for the umbrella vendors in the streets. Fair goes up by fifty percent? What the heck?? These are real rains not the cash on I will make it rain!!
Now, you only know that you have been initiated into the ways of the city only when you get conned. Damn!! Nairobi conmen are smooth. They pause as pastors, helpless people who need help and the best one is when they show you a real great phone which is operating then they somehow manage to swap it and give you a case stacked with mud.. oh the feeling you get when you get home..
I always laughed at people who got conned until it was my day to get initiated. End semester, packed up bags and my cousin drove away leaving me with his mum’s gym bag which she loved. I packed my best track suit, a few tops, a new tin of shuttles, a novel by Val McDermid and some sandals. I wanted to take a bus with my friend. She however had a heavy bag and she decided to pay someone to carry it and just for the fun of it, I placed the gym bag on top of my friend’s full suitcase. I even dropped my wallet in it. ( speak of laziness)
We walked behind the guy and he happened to cross the road before us and then the traffic lights went red on us. Well, our guy vanished into thin air. I almost went crazy. My darn wallet was in my AUNTIE’S gym bag. I was soo gonna get killed. We decided to just sleep in campus and see if we could find our guy. We asked around and we were directed to where he did his job. After two hours of combing the city, we found him.
What the heck is wrong with you ladies?? You make me carry your bags then don’t follow me?? I had to pay someone to keep them.
We looked for you. We didn’t find you.
Imagine I even went back to campus and left the guard on duty with my number. I described the two of you.
Fine, where are the bags??
I turn to my friend and tell her I don’t believe the guy so before he tells us where the bags are, I would have to call my cousin and tell her where I was and with what kind of a guy. Which I did.
He points at a store and I think my friend Rooney works at around the same place and so we are safe.
Our guy is smooth. So smooth that I can’t believe I doubted him. We get to the store and he starts talking to the owner. We smile. At least am not gonna die young.
Something diverted our attention, I think a sports car or a motorcycle.. and by the time we are turning our heads, our guy is gone and the store guy is giving us a sheepish grin
‘ nyinyi wasichana wa siku hizi shida yenu ni nini? Huyo jamaa ananidai punch nichukue mmoja wenu. Si mtafute kazi angalau ya kufua?? ‘
What the hell!!!
( translated that means, you girls of today, what’s wrong with you? That guy asks for five hundred then I can have one of you. Can’t you find yourselves a job even if it’s doing people’s laundry at a fee?? ‘)
I was totally initiated.
Just one case.
Nairobi people say everything fake is Chinese but the fake jobs here!! Darn it. It became a reality when my friends decided to look for a part time job. Then this author came up with a promotional job for his book HARD TACKLE that is about the current president. For one to qualify, one had to buy a book and familiarize themselves with it. Copies flew out of shelves and then the guy went mia..
In one of the most advertised job site in Kenya, one has an option of posting their ad. So yesterday I was idle and decided to place one and see what would happen. Guess what? I have been entertained by three fraudsters the whole day via texts. One PETER MUTUA even called me and I enjoyed using his airtime as he tried to convince me to pay a fee of one thousand in order to get a work permit. If only he knew that my cousin was laughing hard as I asked questions as to why I needed a work permit from UNHCR while I was Kenyan. I even expained that both my parents are kenyans and so are my grandparents.
Speaking of pausing as helpless, there is this guy who got helped by my aunt because he had this touching story of his mother being in hospital, and he had to drop out of school and support his younger siblings. He even shed a tear. Then he visited the next time and it was my cousin who was home. Then he got offered foodstuffs. Luckily for him, the third he visited yesterday, it was me who was home. What he didn’t know was that I knew his story and that after all that, he went to the market, sold the food and bought booze for himself. I shut the door on his face. He insulted me and I smiled.
He reminds me of his evil counterpart who waits for peope who are walking from church. He says he wants to get born again. You pray for him then he tells you he would want to go back to his home area and he would appreciate some fare because he is tired of the ways of the city. Being a Christian, one gives wholeheartedly thanking the Father that one of the lost has been found. My aunt prayed and offered fare. So did my uncle. Then it was discussed. When we met, I was glad to tell him to just walk home.
Nairobi conmen, you initiated me once into the ways of the city and you will not initiate me again. I pray that I may be forgiven for the genuine ones that I will judge, but I won’t trust any of you.