Emotions

My head hurts like crazy.. It is like am dragging my feet to get me home.. I don’t remember if I took lunch…
I groan inwardly as I approach home. I just want to keep walking. To get lost amongst people and semi dark earthen roads. Nobody could know who I am. I could get away.. I could just disappear… but who am I kidding? I don’t even know why that happens..
Well, it has been an okay day. As I watched one older guy sign my data sheet today and smile warmly at me, I suddenly missed having a father. Like a physical one..
I can’t help feel guilty at the thought of how good God has been to me..   a father.. I remind myself  of those with nobody…
But today I can’t fight that feeling.. I wish he was there to watch me grow.. shout at me, see me off to school.. I still feel that gnawing want.. being held by a father when crossing roads..
What came over me?

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.. I am almost home and the song Good father by Chris Tomlin is playing..
Still… it’s just not working today.. 😦

Happiness

If someone decides they’re not going to be happy, it’s not your problem. You don’t have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.
Joyce Meyer

Winnie

When my ex shows up with someone hotter

Okay… from that statement you can deduce am not an ugly person, but trust me sometimes karma is a bad bitch or at times, we get served for ditching someone.

I love it when a guy who dumped me ( darn it!! I hate every part of that statement) shows up with a girl who I look at and think he either dated me because I was out of his league and he wanted to show he can make it or he went crazy after we part ways. That time the  crap about the beauty inside doesn’t apply. I can even introduce the guy and his girl to friends.

So today am walking in town alone and feeling really cold. Then someone who looks like one of my exs with this hot mama clinging on his hand. Damn!! I almost changed path but then I decided to stick with the fact that am beautiful in the inside and no matter how hot she was, I dated him first. I put on a brave face and decided I might even say hi.

The gods love me. It wasn’t my ex. Just some guy. Then I realized, one day I might walk in town and meet one of the guys I have dated with a hot girl. What then will be my reaction? I have come up with the list of qualities of the woman who might make me jealous

If she is totally hot and manages to be courteous
If hot and has a heart for the homeless
If hot and can walk with street kids and buy them food or share with no qualms
Then I will feel threatened because I am hot and can do two of the above.
( courtesy is two way. If you dont show me any, you ain’t getting any either)

always winnie

Dear future husband

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I will start by introducing myself. Then I will arm you on how to deal with me or how you will cope with me because trust me am not easy to live with. The only reason am even bothered is because am bothered by the idea of living with the same person until death do us part.  I seriously need to you to know how to treat me and cope with me.

My mum named me Winfred and I didn’t like it later in life so I changed it to Winnie but I also think I might change it back.
To know me you have to know a bit of my tribe and the clans. I am a Kikuyu and we have clans. There are the natural witches, charmers, fighters, those who love visiting, those born and raised by a single mother, those who don’t like jokes, those who don’t take crap and those that were believed to be natural thieves..

Luckily for you, I am not from the witches, neither am I from the thieves. Unluckily, I am half of those who don’t take jokes and those who don’t take crap.

To make it worse, I started making choices for myself when I was ten years and I also made plans for my brothers. I learned to cook when I was eight and learned how to farm when I was ten. I started delegating duties in our house when mum wasn’t feeling well or when she had to go out when I was thirteen and she became comfortable leaving me in charge when I was fourteen. I made choices to the school I went to apart from when my mum took matters into her hands and transferred me to a private school. I cried for days.

I learned not to be emotional when I got to high school and worked through school informing my mum on only one visiting for maybe once in a year because I knew telling her more than that would just stress her out because she couldn’t afford it. I learned to carry only one book for the holidays because I had to work, get paid and back up my mum. When she fell sick, we were safe. This you should know so that you may know that you shall at no point talk negative about my mum. No, it’s not allowed. If you do it, make sure I don’t hear of it. Secondly, at no point shall you think I am helpless. I learned how to survive long ago. I also don’t want you to be stressed out if we ever go down financially. I will be with you through it. I also don’t want you to think that I am impressed by cars or money. Yes, I am a woman, and I have eyes for fine things in life but I also know what money makes people be or do. It freezes their heart not to ever thaw. They are busy getting more and more that they forget to live. Men idolize their cars which isn’t a problem with me, until the day you refuse to walk with me. Or take a bus with me. Or take a motorbike with me. That time I will hate your car.

I also want you to know I love attention. All of it. I don’t compete for attention with your car or whatever else. You will have your time with that just know when it’s my day, it’s mine. I also love random texts or chats but more, I love long calls. People who laugh that hearty laughter attract me. I just don’t how but I can’t resist it. It warms my heart.

I also love God, I know I am not the best but I would love it if we went to church. To just sit there and listen.

Too much on the love side.. I consider myself strong. Which isn’t always the case. Sometimes am beat and all I want is to lie down and rest. I hate it if you start saying how hungry you are then.
I hate it when someone imposes their diet or culture on mine. Please stick to your diet. I don’t want it. I might willingly join but don’t think of even suggesting it.

I started making decisions for myself young, sometimes I will need you to remind me that you are part of my life. Most times I will want to lecture you and scream at you; the best you can do is to remind me we can reason that out. If you walk away, don’t come back. You will get three hours lecture. And I won’t sugarcoat anything. You will get it as you deserved it.

If you expect me to do something, please say it out. My guessing instincts died before I was born. So it is if you don’t like something. I might sulk but trust me I will make an effort. when something is bothering me, am most likely to drop something from my hands in that day, maybe a cup or plate on anything. I might try hard to hide it but then that you should know.

I hate proud men. You know like the wrong kind of proud?? I can’t stand that. Please dear husband, apologize if you do something wrong.. I have been told am the best at letting go. But don’t be fooled that I will be insulted. Remember my clan??

Food is sacred to me. I love eating. Don’t say am supposed to behave like a girl. Don’t interfere with my food. I love it as I make it. If you want, you can cook for me. I love being spoilt.

My novels are mine. Like a kid’s toy are hers. Don’t lend them out or pluck a page. No,  please don’t.

If you ever do something wrong, I note it and keep quiet, I am learning withdrawing my emotions. It takes time but eventually they will fade. If I do wrong, trust me I will apologize, and try to get you back. But if you feel I can’t be forgiven, fine; you are free to go.

I want you to know I want a marriage that will last so apologize on the day I stop reading my novels next to you. Be worried if I walk out of an argument. Be really worried if I stop sending you random texts or if I stop reaching out to you. Be worried if you ask what’s on my mind and the answer is ‘ a lot’.
On loving you, the day I say I love you, be worried. We love hard in my family. I remember when my maths teacher who was my friend left to join campus. I loved her and I didn’t want her to leave. When she left, I cried for a week. In bed and my mum had to force me to get to school and eat. I lost my interest in maths.
I will trust you and not touch your phone. If i find that you don’t deserve it, I will withdraw it and it won’t come back.

I am tired of typing. I hope I will hear from you wherever you are one day or even today. Maybe I have you in my life. Maybe I don’t.
But keep this in mind, my mum will get a good bride price. I might back you up depending on how well the economy is treating you, or how bad, but she will get a bride price. Don’t worry about your mum, she will get a good daughter in law.

If you give me a reason to walk away, I will do so with my head high and forget about you.

Yours future wife

always winnie

He bores you and bam!!

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That is when some guy you were into gives attention to everything and everyone when you want it. Then he notices you are drifting after waiting on him. He diverts his attention to you. You are too lazy to text or call him so you take a screenshot, don’t edit it, and send it to him on whats app.
Dope!!!

always winnie

Dear dad

I have been postponing this for the fear that you will not recognize me from up there because the little girl you left with uneven teeth and great heart isn’t me anymore. I do know you might recognize the face but the body changed. All I want to tell you today is that I am almost okay. That life was hard when you left and that it was hard to come home everyday from school and know you won’t be there. It was hard not to have anybody on whose back to step on or someone who brought home chocolates.

Our dog fudgie ran towards the road every time a car or bus hooted and then when you didn’t appear, he just lay there whining and he made us all sadder than we were already. We all of your kids wished we had the courage he had of showing our pain, just that we didn’t. Two months after you left, mum brought fourth a daughter who looks like you. Right now she already turned fourteen and she is the most annoying thing that keeps us on our toes daily. She asks questions about you.

Life dear dad isn’t the same.. I can’t question anybody like I used to and I can’t rush my good results to anybody as I used to. Mum is there I know but she has been trying hard and I have learned to live with what I have. I know maybe you will smile because I pursued school like you always dreamed of but you know pretty much from up there that I didn’t pursue literature. I don’t know if I am happy but don’t get yourself worried, I will be fine. Sometimes I feel that I was forced to be mature than I wanted and to be stronger than I should be and it’s getting me worried. Maybe one day we will sit down and talk about it in heaven if we shall remember and then I can be your little girl.

Too much about myself.. Your oldest sons are doing good and I think sometimes they are crazy.  They have wives.. lodger that. I at times wish you could be there and hammer sense into their big heads physically but mum is doing pretty okay with her lectures.

Your bright two are in campus and they are taller than you are and you should look out and compare the heights.. They are doing good and when they were admitted to school, mum cried and said she wished you were there to see how hard they worked and maybe you could have kept your word.. I have no idea what word was that but we all smiled and said you were watching.
Now, I know how you loved your younger daughter. She is great and growing into a beautiful woman. She is lazy and enjoys the attention she gets for inheriting your dimples.. how could you let her have that and me I have none?? To make it worse, she has your hair while me… well I don’t want to get into a fight before I get to the last born that you left before mum delivered. You know how he used to look adorable and you had all his photos around, well, I hate to disappoint you but that is all gone. He has grown so tall and ugly that am sure you won’t take any other photos. His voice is breaking and he has the most gentle of souls just that you can’t take photos of the soul.. oh, I almost forgot, his smile is worth looking at.

I know it’s sad for you that you missed seeing us grow but it is also sad for us. We wanted you here but what can we do? And so you may know dad, I am clueless on how to treat a guy or what to think of them. I am grown up but not in that sector.. I would ask your brother but aaaaah, I think he would say am crazy. It would just have been amazing if you were here. And I would so totally tell you on how it is to have men trouble and have nobody to ask.

Oh, and your sons all want to join the security forces because that is where you worked. I hope they don’t because it’s getting pretty messed up in the country and they are sending young people to fight in Somalia. The level of corruption is higher than before and what is circulating is blood money. Can you help me convince them??

Your animals are well fed but we feasted on most sheep. The cows aren’t as healthy but they are still there. We haven’t moved to where you wanted us to move but we are working on that soon as I get job.

The witches are still around and multiplying. Your bar business was closed down and one of your friends didn’t pay the money.

Finally dad, my experience of calling your brothers dad isn’t a very good one. I know they try really hard but, man… something is amiss.

So long sir..I do love you

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Family Things

My mum thinks I complain a bit too much and a few other people back her up, but I don’t. I promise those who back her up don’t like me and I am beginning to doubt my mum when she says she loves me..

Today though, I want to rant. It’s some minutes to midnight and I am at my aunt’s house. Here, I don’t really know who to complain to because there are nice people apart from one gigantic evil cousin. We went to the same school and I was hoping by the time he was done with campus, some changes might have taken place. Oh how he disappoints. He is still the same and I must say that school has failed miserably at taming this one. He won’t let me have my peace at all.

When we were making supper a few days ago, he started talking which implies my prayer for him to be quiet was shift+Ctr+Del on the air before they got to heaven. He is on my case for completing four years in campus and still single. I sincerely have no idea why he had to pick on this topic of all others. Not like he has any girl interested or hooked up on him!! He says I have failed partially because when one leaves campus, they should have a hubby prospectus. Who needs one?

I blocked him mentally and managed to get through that session peacefully. The problem is, when he had to wake me up yesterday morning, he adopted the Madea way of doing it. He poured cold water on my face.. seriously, I am getting offended by this one considering all I did the last time I woke him up was place a cabbage leaf on his neck.. I know it might have been frozen for staying in the fridge for a few days but I didn’t deserve water on my face.

I know you understand especially if you have such younger siblings, I am not complaining..

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Can men pick a channel??

Is it the men am around or is it all over that men can settle for another television channel to watch if it isn’t super sport or Nat Geo?? I am sitting with my dad’s brother who simply can’t settle for any. And it reminds me when I was relaxing in a friend’s house and he couldn’t settle for any either.. so can’t my brother and it’s pissing me off!!!

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Dragon sister

You probably think you know much about taming a dragon after watching ‘ how to tame a dragon ‘, but trust me you know absolutely nothing and can do nothing especially if the dragon is your sister. Well, she might not look exactly like one and she of course doesn’t fly but she definitely does spit fire when she is mad.

Allow me to describe my sister; she is younger than me and way beautiful than I will ever be. She has this great hair which is rare to my African origin and instead of letting it grow she keeps it short and continually makes fun of my kinky one. She has one dimple and is well built for her age and when she likes someone, she is all charming. Unluckily, she doesn’t like me that much. She also has this look of pure innocence, you remember the one dragons have when they aren’t disturbed?? Well, that one and most people will defend her if she puts it on even when she is on the wrong.

When we are for holidays, we have to share house chores and she doesn’t understand why I am the one giving out duties while she is freaking six years younger than me. She gives me this ‘ one day I will be older than you’ look and I enjoy it totally. My mum simply sits back and watches us.
My sister decides she will do whatever her chore is at her own time yet I want her to do this and get done with. She simply sits there despite that I asked her nicely to carry out her chore and am so mad at her.
I ran to mum fuming and tell her I will simply beat up my sister and my mum not wanting to take sides simply tells me
‘ go beat up a seventeen year old who is your sister.. funny. You will fight and please let me have my peace if you are beaten up. Don’t come complaining that you are older’
Whaat?? Is she supporting her? She must be the dragon mother.
I walk away. I don’t even know why I want my sister to do her chore that exact moment but please, she is supposed to obey.
I can’t confront her because I know I will end up being spit on real hot fire or she will simply sulk and do nothing about it,  so I simply quit.
I have totally given up when one of my classmates calls me and we talk for long. It’s a guy and since my sister does want to know my boyfriend, I walk immediately to her sounding excited

‘ Kui you got to wash the house. My boyfriend is coming over with a few friends’ .

I cross my fingers and wait for her reaction. She smiles and gets off her seat and starts washing the house. I won that one, I will deal with the consequences of lying but the house is already clean. 🙂

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Family time

My big brother is a nuisance and when he asked me to visit him today, I kept complaining to anybody who wanted to listen to me. I only put up with him because he is family and even if I changed my phone number, he would still track me down and make him visit him.

I don’t have much a choice in this because if  I try to say no, he blackmails me with that so beautiful kid he has and his charming wife.

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Who doesn’t want to hold such a kid anyway? To avoid the miserable long journey, I called my two younger brothers from their campus and convinced them to go visiting with me ( I may or may have not lied to them we were all summoned by our big brother).

I had to listen to them whine all the way about the upcoming exams but I also have upcoming exam so I asked them to give me a break which turned out worse because they started complaining of not taking lunch and trust me I wished I had my earphones with me.

We got there a bit late and it turned out to be such an amazing time that am thinking I will visit after exams.
Just a few photos of the family time

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