Home isn’t anywhere for me… it ain’t where I prospe.. it is where my heart is… Home..

January 2001
‘This fence could use some repairing,’,he says as he turns to the heavily pregnant woman. She looks so lost and all she can give him is a blank stare.
He shakes his head sadly and makes up his mind. He would stay for a little longer and help with the fence. His family could wait.

March 2017
12:29 am
I twist and turn in my bed.. sleep is far away from my mind. A bark from the dogs and the rare sound of motorcycles speeding by are the only sounds I can hear. The wind is silent.

My mind wanders off to the big man who stood home when everyone left.. the days when the broken fence was down from so many people coming in to say their goodbyes.
Day by day, gaining its former glory… looking better. The guy who wished he could ease the pain by taking Sam fishing with him. Who looked at me with eyes that could reach out..
No longer himself.. weak and health failing him miserably..

It’s time to reach out and pay back a little bit.
When the sun comes up this morning, I will head South to just say hi to someone who was there when most needed..

So, where is he?

The grass feels moist as we place it somewhere up to dry up. The animals are trying hard to get ot with no success.. Well, I would say it’s cold but am in gumboots, warm trousers, a jacket and more clothes you can imagine.. furthermore, I love the weather of my home area; Aberdare ranges all around us.. particularly Kinangop..

My mum looks at me and I can feel trouble coming..
‘So, my daughter, anyone special yet?’ She asks…

I pretend to shiver..
‘Mum, we should get inside… it’s cold’.. I say trying to sidestep her question..
Well, it doesn’t work.
‘You know my daughter, I hope you haven’t turned into those weird ones that are marrying their gender’ she says…
Damn.. that got my attention.. my mum just knows what buttons to press..

‘Mum, and what would I do with an extra pair of boobs? I have come to accept mine but seriously others?? ‘ I say trying not to smile..
Did my mum just insinuate am a lesbian? Wow..

‘Then where is he?’ She asks..

‘Who?’ I ask innocently.
‘Woman, age is catching up with you…..’she reminds me of my passing years..

‘Mum I could be nun..’ I say and this sounds even funny to my own ears..
‘What did you say?’
Her tone is no longer teasing and well, African mothers could whack your ass whether old or young. I have to watch my step..

‘Mum, honestly the one person I wanted so bad didn’t work out. The rest aren’t interesting enough. It’s either they look good with no brains or with brains and no strength physically. I have no desire to marry a husband I can beat up.. ‘ I say quietly. If she pushes this topic I will have to summon false tears..
She kinda senses it.
‘Maybe you will end up a nun’… she says and as we walk towards the house, I know it is a truce… for now.
The air is moist. It is almost dark.. the wind is quiet.. I think it is a truce even with nature..

On Forgiveness

While reading some book on womanhood last week, I came across something that made me think
‘Do I hold anything against even those close to me? Do I hold something someone said or did against me? Did I really forgive?’

Well, I hope you can all guess the answer. One thing I had since I was a kid was this memory that never fades, this anger that can never be quenched until whoever instigated it is paid back.. Fully.. no matter how long it takes.. the thirst for revenge.. crying vengeance.

That apparently hasn’t faded.. ( I realized this when someone who scared me was taken in by police, I was so afraid yet so furious. I told one young policeman I would pay him if he beat up that guy into  pulp.. Yup.. I wanted him scared plus in pain).

Well, according to that book, the only way to be really happy is to forgive and forget.. Forgive even yourself. If you can’t, ask for divine intervention..

I haven’t perfected that yet but I have started working on it. Trust me.. I think forgiving and forgetting is not as easy..

The process is writing down that you forgive whoever wronged you and the wrong they did..
Do that until you can think of that person with no ounce of bitterness.

Well, prayer to whoever you believe in is required here.
Don’t overload yourself with so much baggage. Let it go..

image

That is a list of the first person.. he/she is forgiven.

As we pray
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us

Let us mean that.. as we forgive those who sin against us..

Blessed week.

#Hope

At times life gives us no reason to hope. Every trial to rise up gets us pushed down to the floor..
Sometimes our plans go wrong. Every turn gives zero or negative returns..
At times every human relationship goes wrong..
We realize we are own your own.. with dreams that seem crazy..
At least there will be tomorrow. Mother nature will present us with a brand new day.. pure.. untouched..
It is a chance to live a day that we haven’t lived..
That is the only hope we can have..
To hope against hope and to push beyond logic..
At least there is tomorrow.. At least there is hope..

You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.
Michelle Obama

Wednesday chronicles

Tuesday night
‘I have this nagging headache’ I tell my friend as I slip into this super short night dress..

‘It will go by morning’ she says..
We chat the night away and eventually at around 12 a.m.

Wednesday around 7:20 a.m
My head aches a bit and I struggle to open my eyes… I could sleep more.. I think to myself.
Liquor breath hits me and am fully awake on instinct.
Bloodshot eyes stare at me. Dark marks on rough skin.. bare arms in a vest and a shot..
I might be going crazy..
I stand and start getting away.. well not away.. I hit the wall.
My long legs are uncovered. A dull headache is nagging me. Somehow my legs can support me.. my voice is lost momentarily.
Liquor breath… my brain wants to scream.. my voice is almost lost..

‘What the fuck are you doing here? What the heck!!! ‘ I finally found my voice.

‘Shh.. Winnie…’ he says..

‘Get out.. oh my God.. Get out of here!! Oh my God.. oh my God…
Get out!!’

I must have been screaming.
My girl neighbor bangs her door.. The other neighbor with a kid gets out..

He turns to leave..

I can hear my neighbors talking..

‘Tonnie ameingia kwa nyumba Winnie akiwa’ (Tonnie got into the house with Winnie in it)..

He leaves faster than they get here.. I feel myself breath out… am shaking like crazy.. tears threaten to break..
My neighbor gets in.
‘Are you okay?’

‘I think’
.
I pick my phone. My cousin is my first priority.. Then I text my friend..
‘Imagine Tony woke me up. Am headed to the police post..’

Within ten minutes, the 5 of us are the Administration Police post..
Well, it has been a shitty day.

I
I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door.
Marla Gibbs

Most times, we wish we never met people who did wrong unto us… I have come to learn instead of wishing, find the lesson, pick it up, leave the rest and keep going. You are one lesson wiser.
Keep positive!!
Blessed Week!

All I need

‘All I need is you Lord, is you Lord…’ this part of the song by is it Hillsong keeps replaying in my mind..
There’s total truth in it.. some void part in me is only content when I think about, talk to or meditate upon God..
There’s  nothing as fulfilling as talking to my heavenly father.
No matter how much I try to feel satisfied amongst humans, it doesn’t work..

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