The problem with pain

It may sound like one of the CS Lewis books, but trust me it isn’t.

You toss and turn in your bed. You can’t sleep .Your pillow is soaked in tears. Your eyes are heavy.. You wish for sleep or something to numb the pain. Nothing you try works. Absolutely nothing.


You don’t wake up… because you never slept in the first place.. You can’t think of a reason to go on with life.. You drag yourself out of bed looking haggard.. no appetite..

You look around and think that nobody understands your pain. How can they know? Nobody can identify with what you are going through. At some level you are right because we all handle pain in different ways.. We are all affected at different levels. I however want to sound cliche here.. “Nothing is new under the sun. Everything that is here, has been experienced” Lost a parent? Has happened.. Lost a kid? Yup.. It has happened.. Lost everything? Do I need to keep saying it has happened? You get the gist . it..


All I want to encourage is letting someone in. Let them help you with the pain. Let someone hold you.. Let someone listen to you.. Let someone fight with you. If you are spiritual like me talk it to God. When I have found myself in painful situations, I call my best friend. Most times there is nothing she can do physically, but at least I know I have someone on my side and trust me it has gotten me through lots of shit..

With pain, nobody can prep you enough on what to expect or how you are gonna  feel… nobody tells you how it is gonna hurt like a bitch.. Nobody can prepare you for pain. .And yes, nobody can understand your pain… All I can do is encourage you to share it out.. Let someone know how it feels.. Don’t fight alone.. You can even reach out online…

With the rising number of suicide cases in the country I can’t help but hope that someone will read this and want to fight. Do reach out, even to me… {you got to buy me food though.. sorry. I suck and I know it} but honestly don’t give up without trying. Wishing every other Kenyan a fighting spirit.  Let us all be our brothers keeper. Help soak off some pain in any way you can.

Somebody could always use a hug

Droplets of kindness

‘You know, death is just.. I dunno.. I prefer if someone gets sick and lets us hope they will either make it or die.  Look at Ayeiya.. guy dies without even a goodbye. It is so very sad.. He should have survived, gone the hospital and maybe succumbed.. that prepares us,’ I say to Linet as I toy with my mug of tea.

We are in a very small hotel taking our lunch hoping time drags itself by before we get back to business.
On our table is our partner and a strange young woman who has a kid. They are talking about babies..

‘Look at how easily women with babies click easily.. ‘ Linet says and I pause to look at them. I shrug and stare at some guy who has tattoos all over his arms..

Well, not a pretty sight.
As we chat, we catch bits of the conversation between the two women.
Time rushes by and when we pay up, our partner offers to pay lunch for the woman.
We sense something and ask if we can back her up. She gladly takes us up on our offer.

As we leave, our partner shakes her head sadly
‘That woman needs fare.. she needs to get home and get good food’

‘Why?’ Linet and I ask simultaneously.

‘Well, life is full of shit. A cheating bastard who beats her up. She covers her head as a Muslim.. there’s a scar beneath that scarf. Her kid hasn’t breastfed in the last 3 days. It’s super weak and has jaundiced eyes.. I doubt if it can cry. She is weak and shaking. That’s why I started talking to her. The damn kid is maximum 3 weeks. She said she just spent her last bit of cash on food so she won’t pass out.
She can go home to her grandmother. No fare..’

‘Is she genuine?’ Linet asks

‘She can’t fake weakness or scar or kid with jaundiced eyes due to starvation’ she counters..

‘Let’s pay her a ticket and get her home’ I say and it’s a plan.

We walk in the streets of Nairobi hoping this woman is real and she will find someone who cares.
Our partner holds her bag, Linet walks on her side and I hold the light but very warm infant in my arms. I can’t help but hope that the kid grows up well. I also enjoy the respect on the roads of the ever busy Matatu drivers letting me pass and the touts wishing ‘my baby’ good health..

I can’t help smile when someone who tries pushing past me is almost beaten up.. in my arms is a life; though very fragile.

We pay her bus ticket and buy her soda for quick energy. She waves up bye with grateful eyes and we rush back to work. We are 45 minutes late.. and stink of sweat with dusty shoes..

We can’t help smiling as we think, in the little pond of kindness in this world.. we just added a droplet..

Is it a relationship?

He is good looking
When he wants you, nothing can keep him away
When he has you, garners  his attention
He doesn’t care if you are hurt so long as you don’t go away..

You are attracted to him
You keep flying back to him
He can’t hold his anger
So he hurts you, just a bit

Just like a moth
You play around fire
You can’t resist
Flames lick it’s wings..
Just a bit
It flies away
But it can’t keep away

The flame keeps burning
Beckoning the moth
It draws it..
The game goes on..
By and by the wings of the moth
Are totally charred
It can’t fly away
Into the fire it leans
With no qualms the fire keeps burning

Same fate befalls you
If you can’t resist the fire
Once your wings waste away
And you can no longer fly
The fire will devour you
And the flame will keep going
To draw more moths..

Fly away dear moth
Fly away and don’t turn back
It will do you good..

A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting? If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.    

Autumn Kohler

When passion Reigns..

‘I always wanted to have rice and chapati and rice.. I always wanted to live in a house that doesn’t leak.. I wanted a house that had light so I didn’t have to grope in the darkness to find my way to where my sleeping space was.. ‘
Every one of us is quiet. I feel myself swallow up a lump. Tears threaten. I don’t know if it is sadness for her past or awe at her passion.
‘ when I started this, we started in a house that leaked. The kids and I slept on the floor. The house was dark.. the roof did leak. Every time it rained, I had to feel where the kids were sleeping to know if they were being rained on. People said I was stupid.  How could I help yet I was so poor?
But I wasn’t. Total dependence on God was all I had and is all I still have. If we slept hungry, He is God. If he gave us food, He is God’

She pauses and you can tell that everyone is awake.
The noisy lot of youths was totally quiet.
I smiled at the thought of how hard it is to have them this controlled. This woman did have them all awed.
‘ I kept going because I knew I couldn’t be reborn. I would struggle to give these kids what I didn’t get. The opportunity that nobody offered me. I ain’t giving up none of these up for adoption. None of them is gonna be a househelp at 9  years as I was. None of them is going to be 17, pregnant and helpless as I was. None of them is going to get married to a man that nobody in the whole neighbourhood doesn’t want..
These are my kids. My family. I will watch them graduate, get married and marry. Then I will hear their young ones call me grandma.
That way I will have everything I would ever have wanted on this earth..’
She nods at me to mean she is done..
I can’t find my voice.. it got lost somehow..
I feel a strange voice out of me say
‘You guys go ahead and ask questions’


Right there in the middle is the Founder of Mother Little Angels Hearts Family home doing the ‘chill’ sign with Sam, Bonnie, Eva and I .. names from left.
She is one of a kind

If you love

After endless arguments with one of my greatest friends, he came into a conclusion, (which I lied that I agree with)
That if you love someone, you can’t hurt them because hurting them hurts you..

Well, it makes sense but I think (you are free to ignore this, love matters is my worst topic and once my sociology of deviance lecturer said I need to get serious)
Those that hurt us the most are the people we love. And those we hurt most are those we love.

Sometimes even telling the truth to those you love hurts them.

Have a loving Super Saturday.
❤ ❤


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