Until Then..

‘Until the pain goes away…
Until the bleeding stops’
She whispers quietly
‘The pills will be taken’
Until then can you feel okay..
The feeling is gonna go..
Until I can bathe off your smell
Until I can heal the scars
‘Till I can banish the images of you
Pushing me against the wall
Until I stop fighting you in my dreams
To keep your filthy hands off me..

Until I can stop feeling myself break
When you roughly entered me
Until the pain that I felt
Can stop haunting me..
Until that tear you made
Can heal and wounds go..
Until then..

Until I can stop smelling your perfume
Everywhere I go
Until I can convince myself
Not everyone is like you
Until my hands stop shaking every time a door is closed..
Until I can convince myself
I ain’t to blame for anything

Until then, the pain is raw..
Worse than the blood that trickles
Worse than the marks..

Until then I will cry myself to sleep
And tomorrow will be the same

Piano sounds just make it more vivid..
Trust is unattainable..
Living unworthy..


Random thoughts

‘Am only human after all’ is what am thinking to myself as I sit in the bus..
A bit of sad thoughts crawl in and I can find myself sinking into somewhere I don’t like..
It feels cold and it’s like am alone surrounded by so many people.. nobody can pull me out if I start thinking. I know am going hard on myself, but the only person who cares about me is me and the only person who has expectations on me is me.. I cannot afford to disappoint myself..  I am all I have..

It has been a long day and the fact that I have no earphones will make it longer..

It’s like sinking… sinking deeper..

Good Weekend folks.. 😦

Nothing worries me as being in pain or the thought of it; whether physical or emotional.

The idea that I may have have played a role in inflicting pain on myself or someone else makes me even sicker..

Love is..

Some time ago, I watched 50 Shades of Grey and thought I would watch 50 shades darker later..
Well, I didn’t. While looking for something to read, I ran into the the 3 books; 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed..
I have come to a conclusion that, Love is Finding someone like that character  Christian Grey and still keeping him.. honestly I was running in my dreams..
This is a weird world..

I need a research partner on Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism….

Droplets of kindness

‘You know, death is just.. I dunno.. I prefer if someone gets sick and lets us hope they will either make it or die.  Look at Ayeiya.. guy dies without even a goodbye. It is so very sad.. He should have survived, gone the hospital and maybe succumbed.. that prepares us,’ I say to Linet as I toy with my mug of tea.

We are in a very small hotel taking our lunch hoping time drags itself by before we get back to business.
On our table is our partner and a strange young woman who has a kid. They are talking about babies..

‘Look at how easily women with babies click easily.. ‘ Linet says and I pause to look at them. I shrug and stare at some guy who has tattoos all over his arms..

Well, not a pretty sight.
As we chat, we catch bits of the conversation between the two women.
Time rushes by and when we pay up, our partner offers to pay lunch for the woman.
We sense something and ask if we can back her up. She gladly takes us up on our offer.

As we leave, our partner shakes her head sadly
‘That woman needs fare.. she needs to get home and get good food’

‘Why?’ Linet and I ask simultaneously.

‘Well, life is full of shit. A cheating bastard who beats her up. She covers her head as a Muslim.. there’s a scar beneath that scarf. Her kid hasn’t breastfed in the last 3 days. It’s super weak and has jaundiced eyes.. I doubt if it can cry. She is weak and shaking. That’s why I started talking to her. The damn kid is maximum 3 weeks. She said she just spent her last bit of cash on food so she won’t pass out.
She can go home to her grandmother. No fare..’

‘Is she genuine?’ Linet asks

‘She can’t fake weakness or scar or kid with jaundiced eyes due to starvation’ she counters..

‘Let’s pay her a ticket and get her home’ I say and it’s a plan.

We walk in the streets of Nairobi hoping this woman is real and she will find someone who cares.
Our partner holds her bag, Linet walks on her side and I hold the light but very warm infant in my arms. I can’t help but hope that the kid grows up well. I also enjoy the respect on the roads of the ever busy Matatu drivers letting me pass and the touts wishing ‘my baby’ good health..

I can’t help smile when someone who tries pushing past me is almost beaten up.. in my arms is a life; though very fragile.

We pay her bus ticket and buy her soda for quick energy. She waves up bye with grateful eyes and we rush back to work. We are 45 minutes late.. and stink of sweat with dusty shoes..

We can’t help smiling as we think, in the little pond of kindness in this world.. we just added a droplet..

About this life..

‘Life is shitty’ I think to myself.. am partially awake and I am in a complaining mood. I want to talk to a stranger then kill them.. I could whine for the entire day.. I want to get into a fight.. I want to be everything that I was taught not to be…
I stretch my hand to pick a book. You know what? Maybe John Grisham’s boring crap will bore me to death.. maybe Danielle Steele will make me suicidal again… I pause thinking what Torey Haden would do to me… make me feel sadder?

I pull out something and guess what… someone’s eulogy.. a girl. She was born in 1986.. Things flash in my mind and I feel like somebody who will never know how to be grateful .  Am unappreciative.. an ingrate..

Well, before you tell me anything, hear me out..
The mother of this girl..
She has her grandkids staying with her. The mother of the kids died thanks to HIV.. Their father? You heard of the career bastards who don’t die quick? That’s him.. He drinks himself stupid.. insults his mother at the slightest chance he gets.  When I came to this place and heard him, I wanted him hauled into a police cell.. but well, his mother walked past him with her can of porridge, her head bowed low.. I watched her blink back tears as she asked us if we would buy from her.. That’s how she supports those kids.
Nothing felt sadder..
I asked about her..

‘Her husband died.. she supports her son’s kids. She tries. Her daughter, a mother of two is unwell. A good kid’

I went home and hoped her daughter would get well… too much for hopes. Soils to soils.. the pastor did say those words.. Felt like a damn insult..

Sadness for her.. she got an additional of two to feed..

I don’t know if to weep for her or not.. sometimes life decides we haven’t had enough.. but for some people.. well, I wouldn’t say anything, for am controller of nothing I am but surely complaining about my life is a sure dumb move..

I rise from my seat.. Sadness tagging my heart.. Friday it is.. have a blessed one folks.. 😦

Gone case

‘What do you think about women who can’t cook?’ My date asks me smiling.
Well, it’s an okay smile. I think to myself.

‘I am a woman,’ I reply shrugging.
‘You tell me if a woman is any less of a woman if she can’t cook,’ I say to him.
I am still holding my fork as I toy with the food. This, itself is a bad sign.. very bad.

‘A woman should know how to cook. You know they say…….’

My mind drifts away. A wave of loneliness sweeps over me and I feel helpless. My fingers are itching to reach over my earphones before I lose myself..
The conversation I held last night replays over my mind.
‘Why is another man on your wall? You should take him down’

‘I won’t. That’s a friend. He is good looking. He is bright. But am not comparing him to you. You are you. What I want’

‘Please.. you will never change. I shouldn’t have agreed to try again..’

‘What? Are you serious’


‘Go to hell.. you won’t appreciate anything. I just hate I can’t move on even after 7 years.. but you know what? This shit eventually goes away… Go.. I don’t want to see you’

I feel a tear slip..

‘Hi.. are you okay? Am I that bad that you are even crying?’ My date asks me concerned..
I raise my eyes. It’s like am seeing him for the first time..
Dark smooth skin. Clean shaven head. Muscles.. lots of muscles.

Something is mighty wrong with me. All I want is to walk alone.

I try to smile to him. He sees right through me.
‘Can I take you somewhere else? Anything that disrupts your mind?’

‘Do you play table tennis?’ I ask hoping he doesn’t.
‘You came to the right person.. he says as he pulls his wallet to pay the bill.

It’s going to be a long night.


*Happy Easter folks*

To do list

Honestly in this life, I need to do two things.
1. Buy headphones
2. Convince people Sam is not my brother..

Well, music is soul food.. I need it.. desperately.

You can all understand my reason with Sam.. he is too ugly to be my brother and honestly I can’t put up with him any longer since he got married.
Just the other day he sent me a message that requires me to forward to all good-looking people in my contact list. Well, honesty is the best policy so I asked him

‘Are you waiting for me to forward you this?’

He texted back.

‘But sweetheart I don’t want to lie.. how many times have we talked about your looks? You aren’t good looking. Accept it’
I text back feeling angry over the fact that he will never stop thinking he is good looking. It’s annoying and sad at the same time. He definitely has over esteem issues.
Thinking am done with him, I resume my tummy exercises as I listen to ‘Khona’.

My phone lights and I know I have a message. Well, a good looking girl could only hope.. maybe it’s someone interesting. When I open it and see it’s from Sam, I make up my mind… I need another brother.

‘Winnie sweetheart, you keep yapping of your looks yet you are single. Guess who is married? That might imply I look better..

Oh no.. this is hitting below the belt.. I would reply and say my staying single is a valid life choice but wait.. to who? I think of a smart come back but am not lucky..
If only Sam could have taken an ugly wife… I would have been happy. Now she is darn pretty and got a good brain..
Why woman, why did you agree to this?

‘Shut up. And hope the kids take up their mother’s and auntie Winnie’s good looks. Especially the girls’
I text back…

‘Oh no.. hopefully they look like me, I don’t want old unmarried daughters’
Is the reply I get.

Honestly I don’t need a brother.. I am a few years shy of 30 yet I feel 500 hundred years.. who wants a brother? We could trade with headphones.. honestly

Linet and I walk slowly along the street. It’s so darn cold and I can’t help curse whoever came up with the idea of skirts. I rub my hands together in trying to make myself warmer.

Linet scrolls her phone showing me her beautiful picky friend.. and we laugh at how the picky species ends up picking real crap. Our banter in interrupted by a group of around 10 very young guys running.
Instantly we hug our bags to ourselves. Linet’s phone is back in her bag within a second. We stand against the wall of a mosque and let the guys pass.
Despite that this is in the capital city, the wall stinks of piss and it’s so annoying. For a few frightening minutes, we think of turning back and taking a Tom Mboya street, but then we have to walk back. We decide to put on brave faces and keep walking..

A crowd is gathering from where the guys are running from. More people gather.. we hurry past them but we can’t help but notice the guy in a purple t-shirt writhing on the road in pain. His head is bleeding and he clutches on his side.. my guess is that he might have been stabbed.
Well, Nairobians are just themselves. They are just staring.. crowding him..
We walk past the crowd..

‘Just the other day young guys were shot. People were all over social media complaining’
I say

‘Oh.. lets not talk of that. They were just shot.. right there’ she says..

‘I hate to say they deserve  it but with this kind of behaviour…’
I let that statement hang..

Next time am keeping off downtown..

in this life somethings dey mess
so if you make confuse please play defence
to me na i fegure say she be the best
ibi today wey i see say be the big J, bo di3nch3 telemo (Gasmilla)

Some help maybe? If confused by anything, play defence…
Stay in your grounds and keep safe..

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