loneliness

Sometimes we are just alone with our thoughts; pleasant or not.

We realize that we only got ourselves. Scrolling through our phones makes us realize if we ever need help, we only got God and ourselves. Nobody else is to be relied on. Unless through miracles or God speaking to others, we are our number one solace. We share our birthdays with ourselves, we log online to chat with strangers, we hug our pillows to soak up our pain, and we turn to coffee, cake, liquor or food to celebrate our own wins or drown our own sorrows.

This world is a damned lonely place! Keep sane. ❤

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The problem with pain

It may sound like one of the CS Lewis books, but trust me it isn’t.

You toss and turn in your bed. You can’t sleep .Your pillow is soaked in tears. Your eyes are heavy.. You wish for sleep or something to numb the pain. Nothing you try works. Absolutely nothing.

 

You don’t wake up… because you never slept in the first place.. You can’t think of a reason to go on with life.. You drag yourself out of bed looking haggard.. no appetite..

You look around and think that nobody understands your pain. How can they know? Nobody can identify with what you are going through. At some level you are right because we all handle pain in different ways.. We are all affected at different levels. I however want to sound cliche here.. “Nothing is new under the sun. Everything that is here, has been experienced” Lost a parent? Has happened.. Lost a kid? Yup.. It has happened.. Lost everything? Do I need to keep saying it has happened? You get the gist . it..

 

All I want to encourage is letting someone in. Let them help you with the pain. Let someone hold you.. Let someone listen to you.. Let someone fight with you. If you are spiritual like me talk it to God. When I have found myself in painful situations, I call my best friend. Most times there is nothing she can do physically, but at least I know I have someone on my side and trust me it has gotten me through lots of shit..

With pain, nobody can prep you enough on what to expect or how you are gonna  feel… nobody tells you how it is gonna hurt like a bitch.. Nobody can prepare you for pain. .And yes, nobody can understand your pain… All I can do is encourage you to share it out.. Let someone know how it feels.. Don’t fight alone.. You can even reach out online…

With the rising number of suicide cases in the country I can’t help but hope that someone will read this and want to fight. Do reach out, even to me… {you got to buy me food though.. sorry. I suck and I know it} but honestly don’t give up without trying. Wishing every other Kenyan a fighting spirit.  Let us all be our brothers keeper. Help soak off some pain in any way you can.

Somebody could always use a hug

The wind feels amazing against my face… freedom… happiness… A bump though brings me back to reality .. I still got a sore ass…
No biggie there… my back doesn’t hurt any longer and I did have a spectacular Saturday .. October I like you… 😉

September

September 1; the day I celebrate my birthday… and I know I’ve a reason to celebrate it because my battles stated even before I was born… I conquered .. I came into this world… Well, this year I turned 28. It should have been a jolly affair. I planned on treating myself… and stuffing myself with cake later… Well, my jolly moods only went up to 9 a.m. .  

I received a call.. I had stolen. Whatever I stole, I have no idea… coming from the entire world would have meant nothing… Coming from where am raised hurt like a bitch… Hence started my September woes…  

The month had me rubbing my heart so many times to soothe away pain… It might have worked because the September controller decided to take the pain a notch high by having me fall down stairs… I still have a black patch on my ass, on my stomach and my back hurt like crazy a few days ago… I have had months, years, days… but September 2018 kinda wins… all am glad about is that it’s over and I am wary of October… All I want is peace.. 
Have a blessed month!!

On marriage

There’s something about broken marriages that makes me soo sad.. people who loved each hating each other… it’s so sad

I’ve never been married, neither has there been divorce in my family that I know of, yet it still gets to me. 

People inflicting pain on each other .  On kids.. on those around them.. I just sit and wish that both parties would be willing to fight and have the marriage work.. 

Before divorce happens, one person  has to have given up fighting. The partner is then left to chase the wind.. once they are tired, it falls apart..

I hope everyone married out there will fight as much as they can to have the marriage work.. unless you got married hoping to fail

Kenya is a good country… beautiful people and everything… at the moment though… am soo willing to move.. corruption thy name is Kenyan politicians..

Heartbreaks

Lights always look good on dusty road… always.. At the sides of the road are trees and live fences.. The sun is long gone. It’s 9 p.m. East African time.
The small shops at the roadsides are still open.. I quickly buy 3 eggs and head home… I will quickly shower and sleep.. Food will wait until morning.

The only people on the road are guys and kiosk women carrying babies on their backs and the remainder vegetables  on their sides.. They look tired.. 

Am almost home when I see a man and a woman standing next to a kid nearby a ditch.. I walk directly to them when I realize the kid is crying.. The side that greets me is heart breaking.. On her hand is a brown bag and a cap.. in the ditch is the owner of the cap.. Her father. He is too drunk to walk. 
‘Give us your mum’s number girl’ the woman is trying to convince her.. The father on the other hand is warning her not to.. She is shaking.. and crying.

Her father tries to rise on his feet and falls. He can’t move.. We all want to pay a motorcycle guy to take her home but she is adamant.. She can’t leave her father..

I look at the guy and all I feel is disgust… The urge to continually hit him is soo high.. This is so wrong. The man and the woman share my sentiments but we can’t beat up a guy with his crying and apparently sick daughter watching.. 
I honestly don’t know what to think. When we agree to get a few policemen, the guy gives up his wife’s number and the kid speaks..

The father is the good guy. He went with her, bought her food and some medicine after her mum said she can die for all she cares.. 

 Am hurt for this girl… I can only imagine her pain … This is unfair.  Soon as the mother arrives, she hustles them to hurry and get home.. She refuses to talk… 

We stand there and watch them leave with the girl… it’s raw pain.. it’s nothing I can comprehend..

It’s 9:45 East African time when I get home.. Nothing looks as beautiful.. 

Just a post

I am starving… My stomach ain’t amused at the rate which am not cooking… well not tonight though… Food… food.. 
As that thought crosses my mind, I think of guys who are married yet want to sleep with someone else… Poor women.  The blames you are getting.. come get your husbands. 
One guy says his wife has neglected him sexually.. This is an ultimate fool.. ( guys get me here.. this line never works.. maybe it once did, but but now it doesn’t).. What am I supposed to think??  Am relieve services??  Talk of insults.. 

Anyhow, the shop am at now has crazy people. You hear of sex more than of sales.. Well,  am still adapting.. ( I will come back with 3some thoughts if the crazy people).. 
I don’t know honestly what to think about.. 

Finally it’s weekend. To top it up, we have the sun here after a month of freezing!!!! 

Have a good one folks!!