Life hustles

I am darn beat. Honestly I should have been told grown up wasn’t for me. My shoulders are literally sagging..

Oh well, I could complain but I won’t.. maybe I will.. that’s the sole purpose of this post..

See, am still poor.. so no car.

I am at the backseat of a matatu.. stop hoping that it’s peaceful.. if you thought I can sleep in this bus ride, you probably should visit Kenya.

The music is blaring and I would swap my brother Sam for a moment of peace.. Honestly, take him.. 
The back seat is kind enough to hold five of us. Am sandwiched between my tribe people; a young girl and an old man..

Life is weird..

Their phones ring at the same time and now my life is hanging in between a girl trying so hard to speak in slay queen accent and an old man saying 

‘Haroo.. haroo… herooo.. ‘ I think he means Hello, and his ears aren’t as good.. 

Not to add stale breaths.   

Honestly, all of you.. don’t pick calls in buses.. you are making poor people’s lives miserable.. 

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Gracious father

It’s upon those miracles that we humans think are small that I remember how much you love me..

It’s in my troubles and how you are always here that reminds me of your grace..

It’s in my mingling with people and hearing what their lives are that I can touch your love gracious Father…

It’s in my brokenness and hopelessness that I can see your kindness my gracious Father..

It’s in my getting lost and stupidity that your love finds me oh my maker…

It’s in you that I can say am safe gracious Lord..

Thank you for
Breath
Life
Health
Family
Friends
Love
Joy
Peace
Kindness
And everything else..

Anytime that I think less, open my eyes that I may see your goodness upon my life
My gracious Lord..
Your love is amazing.

Professor Shitty

I walk towards main campus in an okay pace..
I could say am a bit excited but then I have learned in this life to get excited over anything.
The thought of coming back here for postgraduate still crosses my mind but I honestly don’t know why I would do that..
Why not undergraduate in literature or linguistics? I think to myself as I remove my I.d card to be allowed into campus.
I walk towards Mahtma Gandhi wing barely giving a glance at Taifa hall. The only thoughts that crossed me in when I attended class in that hall is how high it is and if the floor was good enough for badminton.

At the entrance, I once again show my I.d.
Where to? The soldier asks
‘Department of Psychology’ I answer as I head for the slow elevator.

The department is on 4th floor and is well hidden. It takes me 15 minutes to locate the lecturer’s  office.
I knock.

‘Come in’
I push the door and am in the office.

‘Close the door’ he says..

‘No. I like the air’ I say back the lie rolling easily off my tongue.

He is a shrink… I think to myself.
He can probably see through me..

Not really… my brain counters..
I smile to him.

‘I am Winnie’ I say stretching my hand.
‘Hey Winnie. Professor..’ I don’t get his name. I am struggling not to squirm as he checks me out.
My baggy jeans and oversize t-shirt with the words ‘BLACK CHIC’ seem like inadequate clothing.

We have a mighty problem.

Until Then..

‘Until the pain goes away…
Until the bleeding stops’
She whispers quietly
‘The pills will be taken’
Until then can you feel okay..
The feeling is gonna go..
But
Until I can bathe off your smell
Until I can heal the scars
‘Till I can banish the images of you
Pushing me against the wall
Until I stop fighting you in my dreams
To keep your filthy hands off me..

Until I can stop feeling myself break
When you roughly entered me
Until the pain that I felt
Can stop haunting me..
Until that tear you made
Can heal and wounds go..
Until then..

Until I can stop smelling your perfume
Everywhere I go
Until I can convince myself
Not everyone is like you
Until my hands stop shaking every time a door is closed..
Until I can convince myself
I ain’t to blame for anything

Until then, the pain is raw..
Worse than the blood that trickles
Worse than the marks..

Until then I will cry myself to sleep
And tomorrow will be the same

Piano sounds just make it more vivid..
Trust is unattainable..
Living unworthy..

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Random thoughts

‘Am only human after all’ is what am thinking to myself as I sit in the bus..
A bit of sad thoughts crawl in and I can find myself sinking into somewhere I don’t like..
It feels cold and it’s like am alone surrounded by so many people.. nobody can pull me out if I start thinking. I know am going hard on myself, but the only person who cares about me is me and the only person who has expectations on me is me.. I cannot afford to disappoint myself..  I am all I have..

It has been a long day and the fact that I have no earphones will make it longer..

It’s like sinking… sinking deeper..

Good Weekend folks.. 😦