Maybe we will see better days

Today, the sun is up.. Neither too hot nor too overtaken by the breeze. I can feel just the right warmth… Only that the warmth doesn’t permeate into the heart. I sit alone on some bench. The bench is outside our usual beans joint.. The only thing is, the joint is closed. So I am alone.

The dust isn’t as much. The rains, just a few days ago settled the dust.Once in a few minutes, a kid will run by and others will go chasing after them. The freedom.. The kids are barefooted.. They are happy and stress free. They scream their lungs out and laugh. I just can’t help to wish that I can go back to those days when my biggest worry was how to avoid homework.

The wind blows gently and doesn’t rouse much dust. I want to cry so hard for those mothers that can’t feed their families.. That are watching their kids waste away due to lack of food.. I want to weep for kids that are locked up with monsters that are molesting them.. But what good does weeping do?

I shift my thoughts to our politics.. To our country. My brain freezes. The greed in this country is just depressing.. I can’t think.. So i prefer to dwell on my own woes.. The sun no longer feels as warm.. The breeze no longer feels as good…. I want to watch for birds.. but what for? I want to hope for better days.. Maybe, maybe not..

Maybe we will see better days… Maybe we won’t.. Maybe we will waste away with pandemic.. Maybe we will always wear masks.. Maybe children will never go back to school.. Maybe this country will eventually be divide between China and our politicians.. Maybe we are royally screwed up..

Or maybe, we will see better days..

Did you know?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

.. Keep smiling no matter how hard times are.. 💋

How are you coping?

Ever sat down and thought ‘Damn..I am royally screwed’? I hope not because it is an awful feeling. As if Covid-19 and hard financial times isn’t enough shit to deal with, i went ahead and got myself into a mess that i will probably will never get myself out.. And that i will probably will tell you about in 5 years time.. lol

Anyway, how is it on your side?? What are the effects of the virus?

The hardest bit here is the rate of abuse that is ongoing. It is like people are taking out their wrath on their kids. It is so heartbreaking that every day there are more cases than there were yesterday..

Of course the financial strain can be felt and touched.. As one who works online, ( https://www.ysense.com/?rb=59749332 ) job priorities have shifted to developed countries and right now i am looking for a white husband because i really need to shift to those developed countries.. People are getting laid off daily, people are taking paycuts every day. It is sad to imagine that we consider those taking paycuts luckier than those who are completely laid off.

I just don’t want to think about it..

I hope everyone is keeping very safe and sane. We need to hold on tighter than ever before. Be safe.

The Mighty might have fallen

Five o’clock in the evening… The sun is nowhere to be seen. It is as if the guys who feed its fire with wood are also quarantined. The breeze is quiet and chilly. You’d think it is past seven pm.

I am sitting on an old bench outside some very old shanty. With me is T and a two other women. The thing is, we are all sitting a bit far from each other. Nobody wants to catch the virus. Once now and then, you will hear us laugh. The laughter in itself is not jovial.. It carries with it a wave of sadness.. Who would have thought we would laugh and be sad at the same time?

T is wearing her yellow hoodie with some green pants and some black rubbers.. She looks like she is alternating between looking like a ripe and unripe banana.. Next to her is Mother to N. In my culture we don’t address women with kids with their first name.. It is always ‘Mother to so and so’. She is in a heavy grey jumper.. I can’t see exactly what she has on the bottom because she is covered in a Maasai shawl.. We are her customers with T. She does sell boiled beans and chapati.We always want to change the place we buy from, but she isn’t pure evil. One day we will get stomach upsets and spend the night outside the loo, yet other days, her stuff is good. So all we do is buy and pray we don’t fall sick.
The other woman; She is a stranger. I haven’t met her before. She carries with her some air of sadness. It is as if there is nothing you can do to take that sadness away. That is all i notice. I only realize later that maybe i’d have noted what she had on to shield herself from the cold.

‘I no longer know what to say to her,’ she says.
‘To him, i want to cut that dick off.’..

We laugh. That laughter is just a sound: hollow and devoid of any joy.. I look at her. Really look.

‘Why is he still not in jail?’ I ask.

She doesn’t answer immediately and i think maybe she didn’t hear me. I want to repeat the question but T gives me the ‘shut up’ look. I bite my tongue.

‘You know,’she starts so softly that we think we imagined it. ‘I don’t know how to tell my family that my husband, the protector of my kids is defiling his own daughter. I don’t know what to tell the world. I don’t know how to tell myself that my husband is doing that to our first baby. Our own flesh and blood.’ A tear falls down her cheek and we are helpless. She looks so alone, yet we are right here with her.

‘What if we take you and start by telling the police. It is a step,’ Mother of N suggests.

‘My baby, will be tested, she will be questioned and maybe have to testify against her own father.. Yet she is only 9. Why can’t he act like a man?’ she questions.

None of us got answers to her questions. I can feel my legs freezing up and my hands are dead… Weirdly, tears haven’t frozen in my eyes. I can feel them threatening.
T looks like she is far away. It is like we lost a war that we didn’t even know we are fighting. Fathers are supposed to protect..
I remember my dad. I thought nobody was capable of doing anything to him.. I worshiped the very ground he walked on.. He looked out for us and extended it to cousins and neighbors kids. What happened to that breed of men?

‘Winnie?’

It’s T looking at me. I touch my face and realize i was crying.

As we walk on the dusty paths of Kibiku, towards the police station, our hearts are heavy, our demeanor is defeated and our shoulders are slumped.
Everyone is lost in their own thoughts about a girl whose life will never be the same again. Who will fight to survive, trust and love.. Who will fight to heal.

My thoughts drift off to our fathers.. The fighters, the warriors, the providers, even in their graves, our protection totems.. I can feel my tears fall and my heart sink…. It is sad and i can feel my heart sigh ‘oh how the mighty have fallen’.. 😢😢😢

Tips from Dr Love here😝

Sometimes we learn from so many different and unexpected sources..The bottom line, we learn..

I consider myself very outspoken and i hope the day i die, it will be said, she lived to the maximum, she loved and showed love, she listened and learned, she tried to be Dr Love (This one didn’t work though).. hopefully they also include she also slept enough.
Seriously I have been learning stuff on relationships from older friends and one thing is very consistent in what they tell me ‘unless you have tried your best, don’t let it go..’ You know why? To avoid a repeat of that mistake and a life of ‘what if and maybe..’

According to ‘her majesty’ T and ‘her highness’ M, you gotta give your best shot. If you love say it, if you want them, say it and show it.. Don’t ever move on to the next one without finishing up with the last one.. If there is any single doubt in your head, don’t take your shit to the next person… It might end up in regrets and wishing that you tried harder..

As i was watching ‘Being Mary Jane’, i watched a 60 year old woman go back to some love she didn’t pursue. It made her feel alive… It made her think that she settled for the boring one.. Well… she ends up divorced from someone who really loves her and alienated from her kids.. It is sad and of course stupid but i somehow get it… The ‘What ifs’…

I have learned that you gotta heal yourself first, clear all doubts and move on.. You can always say, i gave it my best shot. I would say love is a choice.. Staying in love with one person is a choice.. There will always be others.. prettier, richer.. kinder.. Chose your mad man or mad woman and stay with them..

Take note to walk away when unwanted or disrespected.. Or ignored even when showing all that love and effort.

I hope nobody who reads this shall give up a good thing as a result of pride.. I also hope nobody starts a new relationship without clearing all doubts about the old one… I hope absolutely nobody loses a good thing because of pride or temporary shit like cheating… Finally i hope you are all staying safe..💋

always winnie..

A.M Thoughts

10 minutes to 4 a.m.

Sometimes i imagine that my boobs are itchy.. Or my head if full of crap.. Maybe the latter. Definitely the latter. Or maybe, the Chinese taking over..

The number of pregnant teens in this country is alarming. Babies are having sex and they are gonna have babies.. In this shitty economy. I want to blame the parents but then i have been a teen before.. I might have matured a bit slower but i was still a teen. The hormones were supposedly there but the environment was not as conducive then as it is now.Smartphones were not a thing and musicians had brains.

As i lie here, I imagine the different scenerios that are going to arise when we hit the grassroots with the idea that their kids need to learn about safe sex rather than sticking to abstinence alone. I can imagine women going crazy over how we are going to educate their kids on bad manners. I can almost picture them in the streets asking for us to be kicked out… I really can’t wait..

It is hilarious to imagine them pray when we tell their kids about condoms… I just pray that they won’t think of stoning us up…

Enjoy your Friday and keep safe.

4 am thoughts

Some few minutes to 4. I crave 2 things.. One is ginger tea.. The other is out of reach.. I am out of processed ginger so am settling to just grating some..

My thoughts are as clear as they can be and for once, i try to redirect them to a few positive things that i have seen happen in this country from the people to the people..

Yesterday, they aired a story on people whose houses were demolished and Kenyans went ahead to ask for numbers to reach out to that woman sleeping out in the cold with her kids.. This is not the only positive thing…. While corrupt and selfish people are fattening themselves with the food meant to help the needy, there are those digging into their pockets to help.

My friend for instance… I told him we would need to reach out.. He reminds me to remind him when we are visiting and it awes me every time… Then of course there are so many people that are just willing to give that it depresses me not one of them wants to vie for any leadership seats..

Finally there is my woman crush who reaches out to battered women.. who does whatever she can to help those suffering in the hands of those who should be loving them.. She does need funding but you will not hear her complain… Some people deserve too much respect..

Anyway, before my thoughts slip back into negativity, i will just try to catch some sleep. One day i will tell the world that the positivity in this country surpasses the negativity, but as of now, we are too far from home..

Keep safe.