The fun of taking a bus

I am on my way home from the town and am starving. I am taking a bus and as usual I am in a star bus. This is a name to a fleet of one of the most notorious buses that break all the traffic rules and know all shortcuts in the city so when you take one, if you don’t end up in central police, you get home really fast.

I am just sitting checking out what new places they have in town and my seatmate is a woman with a cute young girl. I have to move a bit so that the two seater can accommodate even the little girl. I am still looking out and as we get past Hilton Hotel and get to Kenyatta avenue, the bus picks a guy who has clutches and he sits adjacent to my seatmate. We are now outside tuskys supermarket and am looking out at the freshly baked bread and I remember how hungry I am. My hunger thoughts are cut short by the guy in clutches trying to hit on on the woman with a little girl.

Soon as he opens his mouth, it’s apparent he is so drunk. His breath stinks of cheap liquor. He says he is husband to the woman and then this woman is going all I think religious ( if there is something like that) on him and she won’t stop. Am actually typing as I listen to her only that am translating some bits from Swahili to English

‘ I rebuke you devil in the name of Jesus christ son of God. I consume you with the fire of the holy Spirit. I cover everyone with the blood of Jesus. I cover my family, I cover myself. I crush you devil under my feet. In the mighty name of Jesus …… ‘  she is still going on and now the drunk man has started claiming that he is God..
He is incoherent though and I think the stench is going to ruin my appetite. My hunger is gone
He is talking of his family now and he is no longer God. He is claiming he has a God now. And a wife and a kid who is in the university..

Am looking at the two of them and wondering, who is more drunk now???

He is still insisting on taking her out and she is still asking for fire to consume him.. I hope I don’t get a headache before I get home but it’s definite my appetite will be long gone and my stomach will be complaining for being fed with liquor stench.

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Dear Kenyan pastors

Let me start by stating that I respect the men of God and that I love the good work the real ones of you are carrying out of spreading the gospel. That is the greatest commission.. go ye and make disciples.. amen?

Now, let me complain a little about you. It is during a wedding, all of us woke up very early. We took a shower and put on extra make up that we don’t know if it’s friendly to our faces. For the boyish of us who don’t know how to even stand in heels are actually walking in heels. And it’s breaking us. Our legs are aching. We barely took any meal in the morning so our stomachs are so empty.

For the single of us we also have to put up with questions from the entire clan when we are bringing home a guy. We have to dodge and get poked when the bride appears all beautiful. When we finally seat in church, we want you to hurry up and end this agony for us.. but wait, not you.. you are actually enjoying our agony… before pronouncing the couple man and wife, you first take your time.. preaching goes on for an hour.. I love the gospel but on this day, I don’t like it.. will you just hurry up and get done with it.. we want to go home to treat our swollen legs and get the darn make up off our faces.. thanks for understanding

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Dear dad

I have been postponing this for the fear that you will not recognize me from up there because the little girl you left with uneven teeth and great heart isn’t me anymore. I do know you might recognize the face but the body changed. All I want to tell you today is that I am almost okay. That life was hard when you left and that it was hard to come home everyday from school and know you won’t be there. It was hard not to have anybody on whose back to step on or someone who brought home chocolates.

Our dog fudgie ran towards the road every time a car or bus hooted and then when you didn’t appear, he just lay there whining and he made us all sadder than we were already. We all of your kids wished we had the courage he had of showing our pain, just that we didn’t. Two months after you left, mum brought fourth a daughter who looks like you. Right now she already turned fourteen and she is the most annoying thing that keeps us on our toes daily. She asks questions about you.

Life dear dad isn’t the same.. I can’t question anybody like I used to and I can’t rush my good results to anybody as I used to. Mum is there I know but she has been trying hard and I have learned to live with what I have. I know maybe you will smile because I pursued school like you always dreamed of but you know pretty much from up there that I didn’t pursue literature. I don’t know if I am happy but don’t get yourself worried, I will be fine. Sometimes I feel that I was forced to be mature than I wanted and to be stronger than I should be and it’s getting me worried. Maybe one day we will sit down and talk about it in heaven if we shall remember and then I can be your little girl.

Too much about myself.. Your oldest sons are doing good and I think sometimes they are crazy.  They have wives.. lodger that. I at times wish you could be there and hammer sense into their big heads physically but mum is doing pretty okay with her lectures.

Your bright two are in campus and they are taller than you are and you should look out and compare the heights.. They are doing good and when they were admitted to school, mum cried and said she wished you were there to see how hard they worked and maybe you could have kept your word.. I have no idea what word was that but we all smiled and said you were watching.
Now, I know how you loved your younger daughter. She is great and growing into a beautiful woman. She is lazy and enjoys the attention she gets for inheriting your dimples.. how could you let her have that and me I have none?? To make it worse, she has your hair while me… well I don’t want to get into a fight before I get to the last born that you left before mum delivered. You know how he used to look adorable and you had all his photos around, well, I hate to disappoint you but that is all gone. He has grown so tall and ugly that am sure you won’t take any other photos. His voice is breaking and he has the most gentle of souls just that you can’t take photos of the soul.. oh, I almost forgot, his smile is worth looking at.

I know it’s sad for you that you missed seeing us grow but it is also sad for us. We wanted you here but what can we do? And so you may know dad, I am clueless on how to treat a guy or what to think of them. I am grown up but not in that sector.. I would ask your brother but aaaaah, I think he would say am crazy. It would just have been amazing if you were here. And I would so totally tell you on how it is to have men trouble and have nobody to ask.

Oh, and your sons all want to join the security forces because that is where you worked. I hope they don’t because it’s getting pretty messed up in the country and they are sending young people to fight in Somalia. The level of corruption is higher than before and what is circulating is blood money. Can you help me convince them??

Your animals are well fed but we feasted on most sheep. The cows aren’t as healthy but they are still there. We haven’t moved to where you wanted us to move but we are working on that soon as I get job.

The witches are still around and multiplying. Your bar business was closed down and one of your friends didn’t pay the money.

Finally dad, my experience of calling your brothers dad isn’t a very good one. I know they try really hard but, man… something is amiss.

So long sir..I do love you

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Family Things

My mum thinks I complain a bit too much and a few other people back her up, but I don’t. I promise those who back her up don’t like me and I am beginning to doubt my mum when she says she loves me..

Today though, I want to rant. It’s some minutes to midnight and I am at my aunt’s house. Here, I don’t really know who to complain to because there are nice people apart from one gigantic evil cousin. We went to the same school and I was hoping by the time he was done with campus, some changes might have taken place. Oh how he disappoints. He is still the same and I must say that school has failed miserably at taming this one. He won’t let me have my peace at all.

When we were making supper a few days ago, he started talking which implies my prayer for him to be quiet was shift+Ctr+Del on the air before they got to heaven. He is on my case for completing four years in campus and still single. I sincerely have no idea why he had to pick on this topic of all others. Not like he has any girl interested or hooked up on him!! He says I have failed partially because when one leaves campus, they should have a hubby prospectus. Who needs one?

I blocked him mentally and managed to get through that session peacefully. The problem is, when he had to wake me up yesterday morning, he adopted the Madea way of doing it. He poured cold water on my face.. seriously, I am getting offended by this one considering all I did the last time I woke him up was place a cabbage leaf on his neck.. I know it might have been frozen for staying in the fridge for a few days but I didn’t deserve water on my face.

I know you understand especially if you have such younger siblings, I am not complaining..

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Can men pick a channel??

Is it the men am around or is it all over that men can settle for another television channel to watch if it isn’t super sport or Nat Geo?? I am sitting with my dad’s brother who simply can’t settle for any. And it reminds me when I was relaxing in a friend’s house and he couldn’t settle for any either.. so can’t my brother and it’s pissing me off!!!

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Dearest diary

It’s 12:20 a.m. on Saturday..  Don’t ask me what the date today is because it slipped away from my mind. I am writing on you dear diary because you aren’t going to tell on me. The fact that I am not asleep yet and that I have a rumbling stomach till I had to google on the remedy just to find out that it is a symptom of nothing serious.

Dear diary,  my bed feels warmer than usual because it has been long since I slept on it but I cleared out of the campus room and left the comfort of the bed my body has been sleeping on for sometime. I also miss my friends and the activity around school that makes it look like the day has just started. Dear diary, I have a lot on my mind because my work in campus mainly involved breaking the ten commandments and am sad that my mum is happy am back safe but I am not. You see dear diary, part of that innocent soul that went to school never came back. Actually like all of it. The genuine smile has been replaced by a fake laugh. The heart that believed in romance has been turned cynical. The trusting soul now thinks everybody is just acting. Every good deed is viewed with suspicion and wondering what someone wants back.

Dear diary, I am not really proud of myself right now and I wish I can be somewhere that I really can say what is in my mind. Every phase passes but I think this one has taken a toll on me. Don’t tell on me dear diary but I think campus was more of life school than books. I made mistakes and even surprised myself by out doing myself in mistakes. My dearest, I will not whisper to your lines what I have done for even walls have ears and the wind might carry the information to the wrong ears but trust me, if you were me you would be awake writing on a diary.

I hope dear diary, that I will find myself back and repent on breaking commandments. Then maybe I can be at peace. I also hope that I will find a job before I graduate so that I can have my own money to spend.

I know you were waiting in me to write something on romance dear diary but even you I don’t trust, so how can I hope that it happens to me when I can’t even trust a book??

I will sleep now. Goodnight dear diary. I hope my pen didn’t hurt you much

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When I cry on the pillows

Today is my relaxing day after sitting two exams yesterday and ending up dead beat. It’s also my resting day because no offers on lunch or supper so am just going to spend the day in bed, take no shower and not brush my teeth.

This won’t happen though because as soon as the sun peeks, my very stupid friend calls me up and wants someone to vent to and bless my heart, I am the unlucky soul who have to listen. So she comes up despite my attempt to convince her that am feeling terrible. I get off, brush my teeth and stick to the no shower plan.

Let me tell me about myself, people think I am a good listener but trust me, I am not. When need be, I let my mind drift and let someone vent hoping they don’t expect me to say anything. Today, I am not worried about getting my mind something to think about because I already have much bothering me already. I have a certain guy in my mind, I have an exam that I did yesterday and hoping I don’t flog plus I also have that stupid project that I have to submit before I graduate. None of those are good thoughts including the guy.

My friend is here and I have to listen to her go on about her relationship issues and in my mind am thinking she is lucky she has something to whine about when I only meet.. well, shall we say morons? Not all though.

I am listening to her today because she apparently needs me to hear her out and I tell her I don’t think she really loves the guy because she isn’t crying. She gives me that look that have me jumping out of my skin and says unlike me, she has emotions.

Wait.. when did we start talking about me here?? I do have emotions only that I might not remember when I cried in public. I don’t find it necessary to evoke pity from people because that’s all crying publicly does.. evoke pity and sympathy when in most situations that I cry in, I don’t need pity. All I need is a kick on the butt or a shove to get me back to reality, unless it’s a death scenario.

That’s where my pillows come in. They will never pity me. They just lie on my bed emotionless and say nothing. That’s the ideal crying companion because they will never tell or sympathize with me when in reality, the truth is, the relationship you crying over isn’t worth it. My pillows do absorb my tears and when I feel better, I wash my face reach out for my little piece of mirror and remind myself I am the best and whoever doesn’t realize that is dumb.

When I cry on my pillows, people label me emotionless when am around them, while am just glad I have a pillow.

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Dragon sister

You probably think you know much about taming a dragon after watching ‘ how to tame a dragon ‘, but trust me you know absolutely nothing and can do nothing especially if the dragon is your sister. Well, she might not look exactly like one and she of course doesn’t fly but she definitely does spit fire when she is mad.

Allow me to describe my sister; she is younger than me and way beautiful than I will ever be. She has this great hair which is rare to my African origin and instead of letting it grow she keeps it short and continually makes fun of my kinky one. She has one dimple and is well built for her age and when she likes someone, she is all charming. Unluckily, she doesn’t like me that much. She also has this look of pure innocence, you remember the one dragons have when they aren’t disturbed?? Well, that one and most people will defend her if she puts it on even when she is on the wrong.

When we are for holidays, we have to share house chores and she doesn’t understand why I am the one giving out duties while she is freaking six years younger than me. She gives me this ‘ one day I will be older than you’ look and I enjoy it totally. My mum simply sits back and watches us.
My sister decides she will do whatever her chore is at her own time yet I want her to do this and get done with. She simply sits there despite that I asked her nicely to carry out her chore and am so mad at her.
I ran to mum fuming and tell her I will simply beat up my sister and my mum not wanting to take sides simply tells me
‘ go beat up a seventeen year old who is your sister.. funny. You will fight and please let me have my peace if you are beaten up. Don’t come complaining that you are older’
Whaat?? Is she supporting her? She must be the dragon mother.
I walk away. I don’t even know why I want my sister to do her chore that exact moment but please, she is supposed to obey.
I can’t confront her because I know I will end up being spit on real hot fire or she will simply sulk and do nothing about it,  so I simply quit.
I have totally given up when one of my classmates calls me and we talk for long. It’s a guy and since my sister does want to know my boyfriend, I walk immediately to her sounding excited

‘ Kui you got to wash the house. My boyfriend is coming over with a few friends’ .

I cross my fingers and wait for her reaction. She smiles and gets off her seat and starts washing the house. I won that one, I will deal with the consequences of lying but the house is already clean. 🙂

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To my utterly stupid brother

My brother recently got married. I don’t know whether it’s legal or maybe soon he will be taken in for abduction but on the brighter side I hope that the poor girl is above eighteen. In my culture, once you move in with your boyfriend in the suburban areas, you are considered married and parents then have to meet and discuss what will follow. Now that is how my brother got married.

My brother is utterly stupid and how he managed to get that girl to move in with him I don’t know. He is a great guy though who thinks of himself way handsome than he really is and constantly mocks me on my looks whereas I know am better looking.
He was very happy and he sent me the photos of the couple and being awesome I sent him this great congratulatory message

‘ wow! Sam am so happy for you. Can you please tell mum that you got yourself a girl so that she can stop praying and worrying that you might die single or she might have to pay me to find you a wife.
Congratulations anyway and this would the wrong time to tell me that one of your friends found you that girl and brought her to your house. ‘.

My brother though is such an ingrate and I don’t even know why I tried being nice to him. Just to confirm that, this is what I got back

‘ really sister? We both know who the family is worried about. Mum wouldn’t stop fasting and I had to join in so that you get a guy who has poor eyesight to marry you so he wouldn’t note how ugly you are. ‘
There.. who wants such a brother?. Anyway, I will let this one pass and just wish my stupid brother the best. That he may always fight to stay and not to let go of that amazing woman who captured his heart. That he may find happiness and find it in abundance. That the Lord may bless them and grant them the desires of their heart.

To my brother, congratulations and I still hate you.
Btw, I will be there anytime to help with what might make you guys work.


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If we sent burial invitations

It’s really annoying when a relative complains that they had to hear from other people that someone in your family died whereas it’s supposed to be a family member to inform them.
I know it really hurts to find out through rumors that someone close to you died but well, live with it. It’s not that you are hated or people have something against you it’s just that we don’t send burial invitations.
The moment we get the news, all the close relatives panic and it’s only the few strong ones who will have the guts and energy to inform people and you have to agree with me, they don’t know every family member plus they aren’t in their right mind. It could be also that not many people want to deal with your drama or reactions and emotions once you hear the news. You maybe really fragile and maybe people want you to hear the rumor first so that when you hear the news first you will kind of be prepared.
Talking of reactions and emotions, trust me I will be the last person to break any sad news to my mum. Her reaction will kill you in place of the bad news.
What would we write if we sent out burial invitations? This is my ideal sample
Dear relative
I hope you are well.
We are sorry to inform you that Winfred passed on on … date
We would be glad if you availed yourself for her final send off in… place.
Be strong. The Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away.
And now everybody would live in fear of opening cards or mail.

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