Why am I still single?

I am on my bed staring into the darkness and I choose to blame others for my inactivity. I don’t have a new movie because nobody made an effort to download any, I can’t watch t.v because after so many nights of sleeping early, mami has all of a sudden a program to watch after I spotted a good movie on one of the channels… well, what to do except get into bed with my phone??

My mind wanders to the many times I have said or given ideas on relationships.. I am sorry for those who took any of my words seriously because… well look at me. I could want to say I am miserable but nay… am damn bored.. why can’t I have a boyfriend who wants to call me up and talk about nothing?? Ugh.. sometimes I feel like cursing the world for not realizing that I am one of the few it will have..  I am worried though that the reason I don’t have anyone to send aimless texts to is because I am utterly suspicious of everybody. A guy texts me

Hi

I am kind enough because I definitely text back

Hi. Who is it?? What do you want??

But seriously, come on… this world is not a good place. Everyone has vested interests and I am just cautious enough not to want to be part of them.

So now I lay in bed, my muscles hurt from too much from badminton play yesterday. My head keeps hurting and I might end up going for an eye check up and I hope no specs for me coz I hate them. What I am trying to say here is I am a good girl with no strength at all.. but why am a still freaking single??

always winnie

Trump say what??

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Today I woke up early enough to find early updates and Kenyan t.v hosts making fun of the statement made by Donald Trump on constructing a wall to keep Mexicans away after insulting them.
Now, there was that stupid idea of constructing a wall at the Kenya Somalia border to keep away the Somalis and maybe Trump thought it as a genius idea. I can’t really stop laughing that this guy actually made that a dumb statement. He seriously outdid himself.
But I am happy he finally tasted ‘ You are fired!!! ‘ statement.

( by the way Mexicans, don’t mind that spoilt brat. I believe you are a good people).

always winnie

When my ex shows up with someone hotter

Okay… from that statement you can deduce am not an ugly person, but trust me sometimes karma is a bad bitch or at times, we get served for ditching someone.

I love it when a guy who dumped me ( darn it!! I hate every part of that statement) shows up with a girl who I look at and think he either dated me because I was out of his league and he wanted to show he can make it or he went crazy after we part ways. That time the  crap about the beauty inside doesn’t apply. I can even introduce the guy and his girl to friends.

So today am walking in town alone and feeling really cold. Then someone who looks like one of my exs with this hot mama clinging on his hand. Damn!! I almost changed path but then I decided to stick with the fact that am beautiful in the inside and no matter how hot she was, I dated him first. I put on a brave face and decided I might even say hi.

The gods love me. It wasn’t my ex. Just some guy. Then I realized, one day I might walk in town and meet one of the guys I have dated with a hot girl. What then will be my reaction? I have come up with the list of qualities of the woman who might make me jealous

If she is totally hot and manages to be courteous
If hot and has a heart for the homeless
If hot and can walk with street kids and buy them food or share with no qualms
Then I will feel threatened because I am hot and can do two of the above.
( courtesy is two way. If you dont show me any, you ain’t getting any either)

always winnie

Avoiding the stalkers

I have to confess that I am becoming paranoid. I have started taking notice of people I see when I turn. If you have read my past posts you know I was being watched by a strange guy and to make it worse when I went out to eat with a guy I had fallen for away from school, guess who showed up.. that same guy who used to stalk me or follow me.. whatever he did. All I know is that I don’t want to meet him alone or anywhere near me.

So when someone else mentioned seeing me severally in the library, I decided stalkers have a thing for me.. I know how crazy that sounds. I went to a psychology site and checked out why people attract stalkers. The first thing that came up was fear.. well my friends think overconfidence will kill me. So I cancel that. The next thing is a spouse or an ex.. and I don’t have a crazy ex. Unless they became crazy afterwards..

Something catches my eye though in all those useless answers.. something like projection.. when someone likens you to someone that hurt them, they wanted.. someone in their past. So they are simply going to do to you whatever they would have done to that person. I remember my friend Debbie saying I got that face people think they have seen before. Maybe I look like too many people.. maybe stalkers have seen me before.. I decide I will be changing my Library sitting positions, will go to different sports clubs, will take different routes to the bus station blah blah blah.. 
So as I walk past Tuskys Pioneer supermarket, an older guy smiles at me and I nod past him. He talks anyway

Are you from school or work??

I turn. He catches up with me and I have to say

School.

Do you want to go for tea? Coffee? Can I go with you??

Wtf!!! I walk fast. He quickens his pace.. I turn and he smiles.
Time to shop.. I immediately get into Nakumatt Moi Avenue supermarket. I can almost touch the disappointment on his face. He looks creepier that way. I think paranoia is taking over me.

always winnie

Woi Kenyan men..

Is this world going mad or what?? Today I woke up in a superhyped mood if there’s something like that.. I am going through news by standard media and guess who pops up..
You guessed right!! Felix Kiprono. Remember that guy who has offered to raise dowry to marry Malia Obama? Yeah.. that one. Today he isn’t trying to raise the cows. He has changed his accent to win over the Obama girl. Someone wake me up. What’s up with this one?? I have to go back to the 500 pages abnormal psychology book to find his problem. Then maybe he can go back to normal and find himself a beautiful non Nyeri wife.

Talking of Nyeri.  Is there a problem with Nyeri men? For those who have no clue of what’s happening, a Nyeri woman cut off her husband’s penis for suspected cheating. Like literally. This is sad and hilarious at the same time. Was this guy kind of drugged?? I thought men is to muscles. Strong ones. No energy to hold a woman down? I might as well as organize a coup and train women. Something isn’t right here.

The men who can manage women aren’t doing it well. The Nairobi guy who killed his woman for cheating.. what happened to walking away now? The woman came clean. You could file for divorce. You could dump her the Kenyan way and get yourself a beauty. Why make the matter more complicated than it is?

Men I will need you to man up and behave in a logic manner. You need muscles, a sound mind and a brain to reason. Stop walking around saying you are men simply because of your genitals..
Nkt!!

always winnie

Dear future husband

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I will start by introducing myself. Then I will arm you on how to deal with me or how you will cope with me because trust me am not easy to live with. The only reason am even bothered is because am bothered by the idea of living with the same person until death do us part.  I seriously need to you to know how to treat me and cope with me.

My mum named me Winfred and I didn’t like it later in life so I changed it to Winnie but I also think I might change it back.
To know me you have to know a bit of my tribe and the clans. I am a Kikuyu and we have clans. There are the natural witches, charmers, fighters, those who love visiting, those born and raised by a single mother, those who don’t like jokes, those who don’t take crap and those that were believed to be natural thieves..

Luckily for you, I am not from the witches, neither am I from the thieves. Unluckily, I am half of those who don’t take jokes and those who don’t take crap.

To make it worse, I started making choices for myself when I was ten years and I also made plans for my brothers. I learned to cook when I was eight and learned how to farm when I was ten. I started delegating duties in our house when mum wasn’t feeling well or when she had to go out when I was thirteen and she became comfortable leaving me in charge when I was fourteen. I made choices to the school I went to apart from when my mum took matters into her hands and transferred me to a private school. I cried for days.

I learned not to be emotional when I got to high school and worked through school informing my mum on only one visiting for maybe once in a year because I knew telling her more than that would just stress her out because she couldn’t afford it. I learned to carry only one book for the holidays because I had to work, get paid and back up my mum. When she fell sick, we were safe. This you should know so that you may know that you shall at no point talk negative about my mum. No, it’s not allowed. If you do it, make sure I don’t hear of it. Secondly, at no point shall you think I am helpless. I learned how to survive long ago. I also don’t want you to be stressed out if we ever go down financially. I will be with you through it. I also don’t want you to think that I am impressed by cars or money. Yes, I am a woman, and I have eyes for fine things in life but I also know what money makes people be or do. It freezes their heart not to ever thaw. They are busy getting more and more that they forget to live. Men idolize their cars which isn’t a problem with me, until the day you refuse to walk with me. Or take a bus with me. Or take a motorbike with me. That time I will hate your car.

I also want you to know I love attention. All of it. I don’t compete for attention with your car or whatever else. You will have your time with that just know when it’s my day, it’s mine. I also love random texts or chats but more, I love long calls. People who laugh that hearty laughter attract me. I just don’t how but I can’t resist it. It warms my heart.

I also love God, I know I am not the best but I would love it if we went to church. To just sit there and listen.

Too much on the love side.. I consider myself strong. Which isn’t always the case. Sometimes am beat and all I want is to lie down and rest. I hate it if you start saying how hungry you are then.
I hate it when someone imposes their diet or culture on mine. Please stick to your diet. I don’t want it. I might willingly join but don’t think of even suggesting it.

I started making decisions for myself young, sometimes I will need you to remind me that you are part of my life. Most times I will want to lecture you and scream at you; the best you can do is to remind me we can reason that out. If you walk away, don’t come back. You will get three hours lecture. And I won’t sugarcoat anything. You will get it as you deserved it.

If you expect me to do something, please say it out. My guessing instincts died before I was born. So it is if you don’t like something. I might sulk but trust me I will make an effort. when something is bothering me, am most likely to drop something from my hands in that day, maybe a cup or plate on anything. I might try hard to hide it but then that you should know.

I hate proud men. You know like the wrong kind of proud?? I can’t stand that. Please dear husband, apologize if you do something wrong.. I have been told am the best at letting go. But don’t be fooled that I will be insulted. Remember my clan??

Food is sacred to me. I love eating. Don’t say am supposed to behave like a girl. Don’t interfere with my food. I love it as I make it. If you want, you can cook for me. I love being spoilt.

My novels are mine. Like a kid’s toy are hers. Don’t lend them out or pluck a page. No,  please don’t.

If you ever do something wrong, I note it and keep quiet, I am learning withdrawing my emotions. It takes time but eventually they will fade. If I do wrong, trust me I will apologize, and try to get you back. But if you feel I can’t be forgiven, fine; you are free to go.

I want you to know I want a marriage that will last so apologize on the day I stop reading my novels next to you. Be worried if I walk out of an argument. Be really worried if I stop sending you random texts or if I stop reaching out to you. Be worried if you ask what’s on my mind and the answer is ‘ a lot’.
On loving you, the day I say I love you, be worried. We love hard in my family. I remember when my maths teacher who was my friend left to join campus. I loved her and I didn’t want her to leave. When she left, I cried for a week. In bed and my mum had to force me to get to school and eat. I lost my interest in maths.
I will trust you and not touch your phone. If i find that you don’t deserve it, I will withdraw it and it won’t come back.

I am tired of typing. I hope I will hear from you wherever you are one day or even today. Maybe I have you in my life. Maybe I don’t.
But keep this in mind, my mum will get a good bride price. I might back you up depending on how well the economy is treating you, or how bad, but she will get a bride price. Don’t worry about your mum, she will get a good daughter in law.

If you give me a reason to walk away, I will do so with my head high and forget about you.

Yours future wife

always winnie

Temptations

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‘ 42% of girls in Africa get married before they turn 18. Educating women up to secondary level would lead to reduction in this by 75%… UNESCO institute of statistics approximates that around…..’

My mind goes blank and my fingers don’t want to type any more. The Main Campus library is freezing and I can’t feel my toes and my whole body feels dumb. I want to finish up on this topic though and take it to my supervisor and if she rejects it, I might as well as kill her and the university will be forced to give me another one.

I drape my white scarf well around my neck and I am grateful to my brother for buying such a warm brown sweater and placing it somewhere I could easily take it from. I rub my hands together and they feel a bit warmer.

‘ In Kenya, only 60%of those who complete primary school are enrolled in secondary school. However, only 41% attend school…
I look at the pdf I am getting information from strangely. It reads ‘ Nairobi, the capital city of Kenya has a population of approximately 3 million people. 60%of these people live in slums which are characterised by a high level of poverty such that those living in it can’t afford to pay for secondary education. Only 12% of the young men in slums have been to school as compared to…… ‘

I curse under my breath. What the heck?? I want the statistics for Kenya as a country not those of Nairobi and it’s stupid slums!!!  I rub my hands again and key in ‘ education in Kenya pdf’ on the google homepage. It loads for a few minutes and trust it to give me ‘ error ‘ feedback.

I want to cry but then I think my tears are also frozen in my eyes. My stomach rumbles and I remember I have been sitting in the library for four hours and I have to get something to eat. I switch off my laptop, pick up my wallet, tag and phone and walk out of the library. My ass could have mumbled ‘ thank you ‘ just that it didn’t talk.

I pick my bag and pack my stuff and walk out. It’s warm outside and all I want is to get my shoes off and let my toes enjoy the warmth. Just that I don’t have time. I pull my phone out of my bag and call Debbie

Hey

Hey!! Uko? ( where are you?)

GW Third floor

Okay.. nakuja ( I am coming)

I head for the Gandhi Wing. That’s where the lecturer offices are and I have to see my supervisor. Before I get into gw, I have to go through guards and a check up due to the insecurity cases in the country and also show my student’s identification. My stomach rumbles loudly and the guard smiles at me as I get past her into the old elevator which immediately claims it is overloaded. I step out. Maybe I have gained weight.. I will just take the stairs.

Debbie is as usual her jovial self. We chat about the project and she laughs when I tell her if my supervisor takes me back on the topic am working on, I am quitting before graduation.

You are stupid Winnie. We always have the option of coming here and taking other units instead of specializing. I could take communication.

And I could take maths. I reply in a much less hopeful tone.

‘ fuck!! Just stick to your project ‘ she says and pats me on the back as if she is my mother.

Well, she is right though I don’t want to agree with her. My mind divorced mathematics in second year of campus after taking a unit in advanced calculus. The unit was okay but the lecturer who taught it was too learned to teach undergraduates. All I understood in that class was

The integral of x dx..

Nothing more. I never got to even know the answer. When the results came out, I scored a D in advanced calculus and a C in real analysis and topology. My mind went to court and successfully acquired a divorce.

We laugh at our problems and even pass by the Sociology department to inquire if we could pick other units. The secretary here is nice. She smiles and shakes her head and we leave complaining. I can imagine her smiling behind us.

We walk by GW408 and I knock turning meek and serious immediately. It’s time for business.
When there is no answer I turn the knob and the door is locked. The supervisor isn’t in. Maybe she is just lucky. Her death got postponed.

It’s time to walk to the bus station and the time is around 3 p.m.. I complain about my hunger issues and Debbie who is on diet offers to buy fruits in town. We have to share though because I am broke and the money I have on me is being saved for printing my project and bus fare to town. We walk looking for a fruit parlor discussing the rains that flooded the city on on Tuesday night and laugh at the idea of some people who got stuck in traffic jam for more than six hours.

We finally find one on Koinange street. We simply look at the prices and walk out. We could qualify for ‘ TWO BROKE GIRLS’ auditions.  The guy at the parlor tries to call us back and we ignore him like we were deaf.

Walking past Sanford fast foods and into Tom Mboya street, the bakers inn products are beckoning and pleading with us like
‘ eat me.. eat me…’ and none of us can resist the temptation. We want to taste everything especially the Swiss roll but economy is in recession. So we settle for cookies and some puff cookies.

They taste heavenly and I have managed to get Debbie to cheat on her diet.
I don’t get why you are even dieting. Your once great ass now looks like a China one (please let no Chinese take offense ).

She gets her share of cookies when am already done eating my puff cookie. A few minutes pass as we argue on who got more and then

Ah.. shit!!

What?? She asks concerned

My stomach hurts like hell.

I stoop and hold on my stomach and we walk past Archives and as we part ways, Debbie hugs me and tells me
‘ pole mama. Don’t think because you got sick I will walk you to railways. But nahope haujapata cholera.’
( sorry madam. Don’t think coz you got sick I will walk you to the bus station (railways). But I hope you haven’t caught cholera)

I clutch my stomach and give her a shove. I think of the few people who have passed away due to the cholera outbreak and hit myself on the head. I walk slowly towards railways. 
It starts drizzling.

always winnie

He bores you and bam!!

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That is when some guy you were into gives attention to everything and everyone when you want it. Then he notices you are drifting after waiting on him. He diverts his attention to you. You are too lazy to text or call him so you take a screenshot, don’t edit it, and send it to him on whats app.
Dope!!!

always winnie

Online love

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One of my friends got me laughing today. He wasn’t with me but he just happened to tweet something really funny in response to the post I made yesterday and it felt good. Checking up my twitter handle first thing in the morning and I kept grinning. It took me back to a few years ago when I fell in love.

( first digest that)

Yes, I was in love. Just that I was in love with how the guy I used to chat with used to chat. I was fresh from high school. And I had all the ideas of romantic relationships in my mind and I hoped that one day a guy would sweep me off my feet and marry me. Then we would adopt two kids and I would give birth to two of my own.. ( I know.. I know.. I was simply disillusioned. Though I think my weight has played a role in the sweeping off part)

My guy had an ideal name and I think it was something to do with Sidney. How we started chatting..  he inboxed me and I mistook him for a girl Sydney. Then we argued on the name, then we picked up the British titles of my lady and he was my lord.. (admit it, that’s romantic..:-) )

It went on and we even imagined ourselves married. By the way we hadn’t met. And it kept going on until some other guy started making me really mad still on facebook. I found myself another husband. This one was acquired through the movies theory of falling in love with someone who got to your nerves. Damn!! Didn’t he make me mad.

My first love though faded and the guy started falling asleep before saying goodnight and  the other guy started to sound funny rather than maddening.  I never met my first love because we fought over I can’t remember what but I am trying to find him. 😀

I however don’t know what to say to him because campus took away my innocence and took me to all the places he wanted me to see ( darn you campus!! Darn you!!)
Online love is amazing because you can actually type that you are crying have the poker face. You can just say whatever crosses your mind. You can be mad at the guy and still be laughing your ass off with your friend.. and finally it’s the only place that you wake up to weird texts like

Hey hun

Hey babe

Are you okay?

Did you fall asleep?

And for me it was

Good evening my lady

Are you okay?

My lady, did you fall asleep?

Goodnight my lady
Kisses.

They should introduce online love though..

always winnie

Did you say relationship??

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I have finally conceded and half heartedly acknowledged that my shrink friend Leila is right in that relationships aren’t for me. (Pray with me she doesn’t read this because I will never hear the end of it).
She might however be wrong partially because I have maintained a romantic relationship with my bed and my food. I love my bed. My food is sacred to me. I can’t cheat on food and sleep.. I have tried dieting but please, it didn’t even last past breakfast. I dieted from morning to late morning and I felt super thin and thought I was going to pass out.

Any other type of relationship apart from one with my crazy family and a few friends isn’t working. :(. 
Okay, enough beating around the bush, I am talking of the romantic ones… whoa!!! Those ones hate me.. wait, detest or wait… abhor me (note my Kenyan accent) The male species is becoming a mystery for me and am thinking of embarking on a few years research to understand this species. It’s like trying to tackle calculus 3 for me.. I always got a D and my relationship pattern is taking the same trend with my calculus and linear algebra.

It’s even more complicated than vector and vector spaces which by the way I most likely scored two out of thirty in the CAT.
I will just rant on my blog because I don’t have anybody to listen to me and my friends all have listening disorders. They don’t listen at all. My family?? No way.
Guys, if any of you is reading this, I need you to clarify something. When you say you want a real woman, what do you mean? Because I thought I was super real when I said what was on my mind, what I liked and what I didn’t like when I didn’t like it. Isn’t that real?? Don’t even go to looks. I am super real. Nobody in my family fakes looks ( note the proud tone in that statement).
Well, when I want attention, I want all of it, not semi not almost all of it. I mean all of it. If I am not getting all, please go away until you can afford ALL!!
I have something that makes me hate the world. Why is everybody lying and saying that they are just being nice?? Like when somebody does their hair and it all looks wrong and you shamelessly tell them they look great because they spent six hours in a salon??
I don’t get it. Back to my relationship ranting, when you do or say something wrong to me, like it or not it will be stated clearly that I don’t like that. Why the heck should I pretend otherwise??
Strange world.. people are avoiding the truth especially the guys.. or is it me who is picking the wrong ones??
Well, I would love to keep ranting but my friend Debbz ( who I think has mental issues by the way) has suggested we pray and fast for me to find the guy who can handle being told upfront that talking rude to a woman, ignoring her calls and trying to share his attention between her and his car isn’t what I expect, so I will start saying a prayer tonight so that I can be able to keep off food maybe breakfast time.. But as I have said earlier in my other posts, my brother Sam who is uglier than our puppy Tatty is in constant prayer that I find a husband because according to him I am ugly and a bit more strong willed than men around but who would take him seriously anyway? He is just that ugly sibling who tries to get at the good-looking humble one.. 😀

For now relationship is just another word for me. I am off now to my love, my bed. Goodnight to those in my time zone and to those who are starting off their day, have a great one and may women discover how men are wired. Cheers.

always winnie

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