When i first hear her screams, i don’t react. I just lay on the cold mattress wondering how i am going to get through my own pain. I keep thinking that i don’t know how to get through this. Her screams get louder and women start talking.

‘She should be quieter’ , one says..

‘She should control herself’. another one chirps

I just stare in the ceiling wondering if she is gonna survive.

As she draws nearer, my mind concentrates on her screams. I can’t hear the other women. Her voice is anguished and she sounds like pain itself. I don’t understand how women keep doing this.. My mind drifts to the many times i have ran into women with five kids and all i can think of is how crazy and strong they are. This shit isn’t for the light hearted.

I dunno at what point i drift off but the next thing i know is that a nurse friend is tapping my shoulder. ‘I am going to help you walk. There is something i want you to see and hear.’

I want to argue i don’t have the energy but i don’t. We walk slowly and join a few women sitting outside the ultra sound room. The nurse nods at the women and we sit. I don’t know exactly why i am here but i sit anyway.

I observe around me and there is a pregnant woman held by an older woman. They are both crying. With them are other three women. They all look downcast. At some point the pregnant woman starts screaming. It is the same anguished cry..

Before i can ask, a doctor comes out the ultra sound room. He also looks beat. He asks if he can speak and all comes up with is ‘i am sorry’.. The pregnant woman lets out an anguished scream.. I don’t understand still. My nurse friend helps me up and on our way back she explain.. ‘ Her baby died in her womb. They are going to take her to theater immediately. She is still at the same risk of losing as much blood as you lost. She has to fight to keep awake otherwise her blood pressure plummets.. Yet after all that, she leaves that room with no baby.’

As she helps me up the cold bed I can’t help but feel the tears fall.

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