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Hi guys and gals I would like to share with everyone why I decided to start this blog. For starters all I want to do is help people, I love it i feel I have a passion and definitely the heart for it. Over the summer of 2014 I wrote five different papers for school on cyber bullying so I got extremely close to that subject. I have also taken a few Psychology classes and Sociology and it inspired me to want to reach out to people. I personally have experienced quite a few things in life from heart-break, to death of a family member or friend, I’ve had a family member die due to drug overdose. I’ve lived in New York where my mom had to walk many blocks to borrow money just to feed us grilled cheese but we knew she would do anything in the whole world to provide…

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If I married an Indian

Today is a very good day and am all smiles because I am having very stupid thoughts.
Hoping that my parents never get wind on this, I can’t help what would happen if I got myself an Indian boo. Firstly I would be so proud of myself because I am would be sure that my offspring would have that amazing hair.
Secondly, this is the most interesting part; dowry. My parents have always told me how they will be happy when the bride price comes. Now, imagine the look on their faces when I tell them to start saving up for my dowry. My brothers keep saying that they are lucky they have a sister who is almost of age to get married and have always waited to marry off their sister. Wait until I introduce who I am thinking of.

The wedding part is the most interesting. We are used to a simple one day ceremony, a pastor and a church as opposed to is it five days the Indian way??

Today is a good day and I will keep thinking of what would happen if I got married to an Indian so that I can keep smiling.:)

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Jogging, running
To get rid of that feeling
Of isolation and defeat
To make human contact
To lean against someone
To sit in silence and yet
With a companion.

Tossing, turning
The urge to talk burning
Trying to shake it
But to no prevail
Warm yet cold
Wishing for a big hug
To fill that empty void
That so occupies the heart

Wishing, hoping
For a genuine being
With listening skills
Who knows when to shut up
Who sees when am broken
Yet trying to be strong

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The sex talk

African parents are great parents especially mothers. They will carry you on their back when you are young and when you are old enough to walk but aren’t feeling well. You will fall asleep on a chair and wake up in a bed. They will sleep hungry just to have their kid eat and be comfortable. They make sacrifices to secure their kids future. They will stop indulging in anything fun to make money to have their kids well and I am proud to be born here. However, there is one part of life that we are left to find out for ourselves; sex.

When I was young and my neighbors son started showing interest in me, I got closest to a sex talk. My mother gave a warning that was unique to that situation ‘ men are not to mess around with ‘.

They never actually tell us that one day a guy will want to have sex with you or one day you will want to have sex with a guy. You are never told that you might act in a leading way or that the talk you listen to and the people you hang around might influence how you think. Of course we get warnings on being in the wrong company but rarely will the warning be associated with sex or sexual behavior.

As I grew up I knew one main reason as to why I should avoid sex is pregnancy. My mum kept reminding me that I wasn’t brought up by my grandma so she wouldn’t bring up her grandchild that is my child. When I think of it, I can’t help wonder if  a child is the worst that can happen if you have sex.
It’s not only our parents who don’t want to discuss sex which is part of us. Some people who are in relationships don’t discuss sex life. What they think of it, when the right time is, do they want a child or not and so many other issues and leaves me wondering is the topic too sensitive while the real action isn’t?

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If I get a baby am quitting my job

( as I write this I am feeling like I will give up any sexual interest I have ever had in and simply become a good nun. I am also profusely repenting for any thought or action that I have indulged in pertaining sex).

Just the other day we had a video go viral of the Ugandan house help beating the crap out of a toddler and I really felt sad. Compared to what I am reading right now though, I consider that kid really lucky. Listening to news makes me sick always and I wish there was a way I could avoid it but I have to keep informed. When I heard of a house help asking a four year old boy to literally lick her vagina makes me sick mentally, physically and emotionally. I decide to do a little checking on the child sexual abuse and all sorts of news are all over. A man rapes his grandchild, a father assaults his daughter, an auntie haves sex with a minor… a four year old raped until she could no longer walk…

I wonder what is wrong with the world. Then I remember my mum telling me of a three year old who was raped by her thirty five year old uncle and the case was solved within the family to avoid scandals. Hearing of this makes me want to sit down and cry really hard but then something holds the tears back.

I am holding a copy of Ghost child by Torey Hayden and she does awaken that sad side of me. The book is about a girl who has been abused together with her sisters. The youngest sister is only eighteen months and I can’t help wonder how such a thing is abused.

In my mind I thought evidence is easy to find in young girls who have been abused because they would be torn. To my surprise though, she talks about Valium and when I look it up, I don’t like what I see. It makes muscles weak hence they easily relax.

I almost thought that in Kenya we are in a better place but that is just a wish. Foreigners have assaulted kids in their home country like the case in upendo children’s home in Nairobi where the  guy assaulted kids under the age of ten.

We have too many cases of sexual abuse of children just that they are not voiced. I am and will always be sick to think that somebody saw a kid and thought they were sexy and could satisfy them sexually. That actually that shapeless innocent being aroused a grown up.
Maybe if I am lucky, I will be able to interview a pedophile and know what exactly went wrong in their minds or lives. I may decide to be a nun or be strong to pursue my sexual interests.
I don’t know if I have the strength to bear a kid but if I get one, I am becoming a full time mother, personal body guard and anything that will help keep that little monster safe. No trusting anybody with it..

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The twilight girl

It’s around 11:30 p.m. and my friend and I part ways. He gets a bus and I have to walk across town to the other side which is school. It always mesmerize me how much life there is in the city even in these weird hours of the night having been brought up in a quiet village.

I plug in my earphones and walk hurriedly along Kenyatta avenue.  It’s already 12a.m. and the street girls are becoming more bold. They lean suggestively on the cars packed outside ‘simmers’ and flaunt their beautiful skins for anybody who wants to have a look. I walk past them hurriedly and one of them catches my eye.
Relax, I have no sexual interest in her whatsoever, she is just leaning against the wall smoking silently looking so lost. My heart goes out to her and would have talked to her were it not for the guy who stopped his car and beckoned at her. She hurriedly puts the cigar off, gives me one last look and gets into the car.

I scroll down my playlist and select my favorite song ‘ you are not alone if you are lonely…. ‘ and walk towards campus, the image of that girl planted in my mind.

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