I sit at the hospital feeling cold. I watch my brother’s back and he rocks himself back and forth on his seat. I tap his shoulder and he gives a bleak look.

‘ how are you feeling?? ‘

‘ Not that bad’
he answers me and clutches his stomach. No matte how hard he tries to hide it, I can almost touch his pain. I look around the waiting area and all I can see are sick and more sick people. I want to call somebody and just talk. I take out my phone and scroll down on the contact list. I settle for Debbie. The call doesn’t go through. I walk a bit further from my brother and observe him from a distance. He is still rocking himself. He bends further and I feel helpless. I feel so cold. I want someone to hold me and tell me he will be well.

My contact list again. I don’t know who to call and I simply let it pass. His wife already has had an emotional breakdown and I am the strongest here. Just that I don’t feel strong. I don’t want to be strong. My imagination takes me to the grave and back. Memories take me back to watching helplessly as my dad faded away. I don’t want to be strong.

I sit there with hands on my chin. Then I realize, I have been overlooking a friend who has always been there and will always be there. I realize I could be whispering a prayer to Jesus and just telling him to help be strong for my brother. I realize it is me who has been wandering from my friend. I sit there quietly and pray that He could grant me grace, peace and let me have a new heart do as to be courageous enough. It is me who has been failing him.
I may want a human friend to hold my hand or hold and console me, but I have a friend whose love is limitless. All I need is to ask Him to hold my hand and I will be engulfed with limitless love.

always winnie

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