I sink into my cold bed early in the night and i feel really tired. All i want is to sleep and since i am not expecting any calls, i place my phone on the floor. I don’t remember if i said grace or gave thanks for my life  but i remember i felt myself drifting away.

First it is peaceful. Sound and the beauty of nothingness when you want to sleep.

Then i see myself with my mum and brother in one of the farms my mum plants onions. I don’t see onions though. I see some shiny weed that we harvest for our animals and feed them to increase the milk output. We are busy picking and as usual, my mum is quiet listening to my brother making fun of me being single and all she can do is laugh. She looks happy.

Her phone rings and  we look at her as she listens. She suddenly throws the phone on the ground. For us, that is a bad sign. The only times my mum breaks her phone is when someone calls her with news on sudden death.

We try to talk to her and all she can tell us is that it has something with our eldest brother. She doesn’t say he is dead or anything. All she does is lay on the ground as if she is crushed. As if somebody took from her hands the will to live. I try to raise her up but she can’t and won’t. My brother picks up the phone. I stand a few steps from my crushed mother and start complaining about our elder brother. I beckon at my brother who we were with and tell him

‘Look at the woman who has been our mother and father for more than ten years. Look someone has crushed her spirit. She can’t wail. All she does is lie there with tears rolling and being absorbed by her hair. I really do not know what to say to Tim this time.

My brother looks at me and says ‘Stop it. Whatever Tim did, he did it to protect you”

I am shocked and i can feel a lump on my throat as i look at my mum lying on the ground with the sun against her. I want to console her but she looks as if she is just totally broken and touching her would make it only worse.

I start crying and i am woken up by my own sobs.crushed-rose