I am feeling dead beat and so lost. I don’t want to sleep because I might have nightmares of rats jumping on me. I have no new movie and actually I don’t think I want to watch anything.

So here I am. In a cold bed between cold purple sheets. Staring into darkness wondering, what if I knew the day I would die??

First if I realized that I would die young, I would avoid marriage and kids. I don’t want to leave them being watched by anyone.
I most likely earn money and give it all away.. 
I would avoid most romantic relationships because I don’t want anybody broken then quietly die young

What if I was to die old?? Then what?? I would still die. I would watch my kids grow and then I would watch my kids grow. Maybe some of them would be predestined to die young. Then I would be heartbroken because I can’t share my years.. what if my husband is to die young?? What if to keep me he lied he would die old..  then I would be heartbroken.. then I would be old and sad..

Vanity of vanities..

All the what ifs might happen, but I will live everyday as it comes. I will fall, rise and move on. I might die young or old. I just want to have lived.

always winnie