Most times, I keep smiling at people even when am sad and most people think I am an optimist because I try to sound positive. This belief though is amongst people who really don’t know me at all. Most times, I think more of negative things than I would want to.

This is growing worse with the current happenings in my country and I think I am becoming paranoid. Yesterday I had to go pick some flour and sugar from the supermarket. I wished I could avoid it because the thoughts in my mind are driving me crazy. I think of what would happen if we are attacked in the supermarket, where I would hide and what my parents and friends would feel. I try to shake the thoughts off but I can’t and I end up going shopping to a smaller supermarket and avoiding a great mall that I love shopping in known as ‘ lifestyle ‘. I even find myself rushing back and I can’t believe myself. All I am thinking of are negatives, nothing positive at all.

I get back to my room and I am expecting a friend to call me and tell me he also arrived safe from coast. At around ten p.m. he still hasn’t called and I am scared. I have no credit and it’s past time to get to town especially with my very negative thoughts, so I just sit and start imagining the worst. My most consoling thought is that maybe he lost his phone or it went off. Worse thoughts started creeping in when my cousin Sam forwards me another message from the security on how to defend yourself in case we are attacked. I start imagining that maybe he is lying somewhere lifeless or scared as he watches other people being shot down. I want to fall asleep but I can’t. I will for an optimist side of me but I still can’t. I just sigh and give in and more pessimistic thoughts crawl into my mind until I fall asleep.

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