It’s devastating when our loved one passes away and it leaves us broken with a big hole in our hearts. It’s even more painful if that person hadn’t lived enough( according to us). When we want to hold on to them on their deathbed or when it’s a sudden death we are in denial until we watch their casket being lowered into the grave and listen to the man of God say soils to soils and ashes to ashes. Even then, we still do not want to believe they left.
It’s their continued absenteeism that hammers the reality into our heads.

We hold on to; memories of their smiles, the way they sat or talked, their favorite chair or song, their hobby, the way they reacted around us and so many other small things that we used to take for granted when they were still alive. Even when they were mad at us or reprimanded us.. the arguments we had no longer make sense to us and all we do when we remember that is smile sadly.

Sometimes I thought that I would let go of my dad who passed when I was a kid. That I would get used to living without him around but time has proven me wrong. Even when I thought I couldn’t remember his face, when am making a simple decision, I can’t help but wish I could hear what he would say about it. When someone says I look good or stupid, what crosses my mind is what he would have said. I often find myself in wishful thinking, if death was a journey, then maybe he would one day appear and see how big I have grown. The little girl who used to jump on his back and sulk at him is now a woman. What would be that look on his face? Crazy, right?

The people around expect us to let go and maybe just not wish.. kind of let go. But unless I am weird, that is way too much expectation.
Sometimes when I achieve something small or any my siblings do, we are all putting that ‘ we are doing great face’ and then my mum out of nowhere says ‘ I wish he should see how tall you guys have grown ‘.

There are people who really work hard to make it easy for us and am sure they do feel really let down when we achieve something and the first thing we think of is what would he have said if he was around?; I wish I could think otherwise but I don’t think it will really ever happen.

I have been observing people who have lost people they love and not to justify my not letting go but I think it’s in our human nature to hold on to memories of our loved ones and at times indulge in wishful thinking. We never really let go.

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