( as I write this I am feeling like I will give up any sexual interest I have ever had in and simply become a good nun. I am also profusely repenting for any thought or action that I have indulged in pertaining sex).

Just the other day we had a video go viral of the Ugandan house help beating the crap out of a toddler and I really felt sad. Compared to what I am reading right now though, I consider that kid really lucky. Listening to news makes me sick always and I wish there was a way I could avoid it but I have to keep informed. When I heard of a house help asking a four year old boy to literally lick her vagina makes me sick mentally, physically and emotionally. I decide to do a little checking on the child sexual abuse and all sorts of news are all over. A man rapes his grandchild, a father assaults his daughter, an auntie haves sex with a minor… a four year old raped until she could no longer walk…

I wonder what is wrong with the world. Then I remember my mum telling me of a three year old who was raped by her thirty five year old uncle and the case was solved within the family to avoid scandals. Hearing of this makes me want to sit down and cry really hard but then something holds the tears back.

I am holding a copy of Ghost child by Torey Hayden and she does awaken that sad side of me. The book is about a girl who has been abused together with her sisters. The youngest sister is only eighteen months and I can’t help wonder how such a thing is abused.

In my mind I thought evidence is easy to find in young girls who have been abused because they would be torn. To my surprise though, she talks about Valium and when I look it up, I don’t like what I see. It makes muscles weak hence they easily relax.

I almost thought that in Kenya we are in a better place but that is just a wish. Foreigners have assaulted kids in their home country like the case in upendo children’s home in Nairobi where the  guy assaulted kids under the age of ten.

We have too many cases of sexual abuse of children just that they are not voiced. I am and will always be sick to think that somebody saw a kid and thought they were sexy and could satisfy them sexually. That actually that shapeless innocent being aroused a grown up.
Maybe if I am lucky, I will be able to interview a pedophile and know what exactly went wrong in their minds or lives. I may decide to be a nun or be strong to pursue my sexual interests.
I don’t know if I have the strength to bear a kid but if I get one, I am becoming a full time mother, personal body guard and anything that will help keep that little monster safe. No trusting anybody with it..

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